Welcome back, Gleeks!! I’m excited, are you? Let’s not waste any time, seeing as the producers don’t: we’re treated to a manic high speed opening sequence to catch us up one how our Glee clubbers spent their summers, full of in-jokes of the typical criticisms the show receives from its online fan base. (Shue needs to stop rapping? Auto-tune is making millions off these kids? HA!) To the point: Rachel and Finn are still together, he’s looking less than thrilled about it, Tina is now with Mike Chang (who can blame her when we see him shirtless?), and Kurt is the hero of the downtrodden (and still slushie fodder).

Sue and Will have a friendship that makes me feel awkward in my gut, like I’ve left the oven on, as they chat over sign up sheets: Glee Club’s is empty, potential Cheerios have been lining up outside the school for weeks to sign up to try out (Sue: “one girl ate a pigeon.” HA!). They’re called to see Principal Figgins to (a) have their respective budgets cut and (b) meet the new football coach: a woman named Shannon Beiste. Yeah, we’re all going to be calling her Beast. She’s huge and masculine, and refers to herself in third person as “Panther”. She’s instantly the mortal enemy of Sue Sylvester. Duck and cover, Beast.
The awesomeness we’ve come to expect from Glee shines through here in Sue’s lines (actually wait… in ALL of Sue’s lines this ep) but Jane Lynch is possibly the best actor on the planet, so they’re 100 times funnier. Sue and Will team up to topple the Beast.

So, the Glee kids: the dilemma is, Matt (yeah, remember him from his 2 lines the entire first season??) has left the club. So they’re down to 11: not enough members to compete. Time to recruit new singers, and what better way than to wow the school with a cool version of "Empire State of Mind" in a school courtyard. By the way, “wowing” at this school = thunderous lack of applause. Glee Club must’ve used up all their peer-love a year ago with “Push It”. It appears that only two students in the entire school (one boy, one girl) have any sense of music whatsoever (they tap their feet and mouth along with the words) so these will be the focus of the recruitment drive. The girl is some big-name guest star who is waaaay too young to be on my music radar. What is she, an American Idol finalist? Manufactured to the hilt, if I may say so -- definitely too mini-Whitney for me to care enough to google and find out what her real-life story is. The boy (Sam Evans, played by internet-find Chord Overstreet) is more interesting: He’s introduced to us naked in a shower scene just like Finn back in the season opener. I like that -- they even repeat a shot of wet feet dancing round in a circle. Aaaah, Finn. I loved your REO Speedwagon days, so I’m gonna be totally on your side when this little usurper starts taking all your status points.

The girl (her name is Sunshine? Are you kidding me??) brings out the worst in Rachel. Hmm, I’d forgotten how irritating Rachel is -- by mid to late season one, she’d calmed down. First, we see Rachel as racist and obnoxious, then a dirty competitor when we find out (unsurprisingly) Sunshine has an amazing voice, and is cheery and joyous when she sings. Thank God for Sue, interrupting their toilet sing off (Lady Gaga and Beyonce’s Telephone) with an irate SHUDDUP!

Football team storyline… and here I can’t tell if we’re back to the old Glee standby of “politically incorrect whilst pretending to be socially conscious”- see “Wheels” (01.09). Artie wants to join the football team, thanks to some gratuitous (and all-too-breif) flashback scenes of Mike Chang and his HOT body stealing Tina’s heart. And let’s face it -- Artie speaks to the geek in all of us when he defends his summer absence with a marathon round of Halo, but he’s lost this argument -- and girl -- to the athletic physique of former bit-player Mike Chang.

Artie’s plan? Join the football team, a veritable cannonball on wheels, pushed by willing Finn… who is booted from the team by Beast for even daring to suggest they bring the handicapped kid out on the field. Here’s where Glee takes on its serious side for a short while, reminding us that, despite the laughs, we are watching a carefully structured show about complex and layered individuals. Man, I love Glee for this -- I can be about ready to puke from laughing so hard, then it throws me something completely sobering I almost feel ill from the whiplash. And folks? Life is like that. Ergo, life is like Glee. We should sing more, to keep in line with their level of reality.

Back to meeting our new boy, Sam Evans. The boys offer their opinions thusly: Artie: “Bieber cut’s gotta go” and Puck: “His mouth is HUGE”. Is this the perfect moment to comment on the excessive uses of the words “Balls” and “boobs” that are in this episode? Coz I’m loving it… especially Buttface McBallnuts. New nickname for anyone who crosses me, ever.

The constant boob references revolve around Santana, who has had “summer surgery. Wait, is this for real? Are they going to keep padding Naya Rivera’s bra, or will it turn out to be pretend? Or has Naya had the boob job, and the dismay and anger (jealousy?) displayed by those around her is just art imitating life? Due to the boob job, Santana loses her Head Cheerio mantle… to Quinn. Consider that friendship soooo over.

And the embarrassment of being dubbed a Buttface McBallnuts proves to be too much for new boy Sam -- he baulks at audition for New Directions.

Denoument: Sue sinks to convincing Brit to cry sex-offender on Beast. Since Guidance Councellor Emma is conspicuously absent this episode, Shue turns up, as ever, as any Glee kid’s witness/activist/parent figure. Gets a case of the guilts and makes Brit admit it’s not true. Will makes his peace with Beast, and gets back onto Sue’s shitlist. All is right with the world!

No, wait. Blondie McBeiber Hair has taken Finn’s QB1 spot. USURPER!!!!

Rachel is shamed. Sunshine sings better than Whitney (SERIOUSLY Idol affected) and is recruited by Vocal Adrenaline (their coach/guest star is someone I don’t recognise). Glee is back at square one, VA stronger than ever. If only we had 22 episodes up our sleeves to make everything okay! And earn the budget raise to shoot on location in NYC for the inevitable “nationals” episode!

Can we do it? Together, we can. Gleeks rule the world!

The Checklist

Brit's Wit:	“People thought I went on vacation but actually I spent the Summer lost in the sewers.”
Best song ‘n’ dance:	Empire State of Mind: not just über-cool, but evenly sharing the vocals amongst all the boys.
Couples musical chairs:	Tina traded in Artie for Mike Chang.

  -- Cathy Thomson