10. MR. FURIOUS

Created by: Bob Burden (movie version written by Neil Cuthbert)
Year: 1987 (movie version: 1999)
Seen in: The Mysterymen, including Mr. Furious, first appeared in the avant-garde independent comic Flaming Carrot #16, and thereafter Mr. Furious and his assorted cohorts showed up occasionally, and even graduated to their own short-lived title from Dark Horse (in which our hero, however, did not appear). The 1999 movie Mystery Men changed things up somewhat for the lackluster band of second string, blue collar crime fighters, giving Ben Stiller’s Mr. Furious a leadership role, and increasing the cult team’s profile considerably. Dark Horse also released a 2-issue adaptation of the film.
Motto: From the movie: “I am a ticking time bomb of fury.”
Theme Song: The film soundtrack offers two possibilities: the nonsense rhyme of “The Mystery Men Mantra” by Mark Mothersbaugh (example lyric: “The swells like smoke from a coconut/Lips part like jaws on a halibut/Bongos play strange music from a jungle hut/We are the Mystery Men”) and “Who are Those Mystery Men” by Kel, The M.A.F.T. Emcees and Romaine Jones. The ubiquitous Smashmouth classic “All Star” also features heavily.
Secret Identity: Roy (as established by the movie); the comics have been better at keeping his identity secret.
Nickname(s): Wannabe.
Affiliation(s): The Mystery Men (neé Mysterymen), a group founded by that most peculiar hero, Flaming Carrot. In the movie, the Carrot is absent, and the team is based in the unlikely locale of Champion City. (The Mysterymen, in comic form, teamed up with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a couple of times. Yeah. It was weird.)
Sidekick(s): Mysterymen’s membership in the comic world is vast, numbering -- at its height -- no fewer than thirty fully-fledged members (hence their derogatory sobriquet, The Dirty Thirty). In the movie, the Mystery Men number only seven would-be heroes, including the non-canonical Invisible Boy (Kel Mitchell), who’s invisible when no one is looking at him.
Romantic Entanglements: Waitress Monica (Claire Forlani) in the movie. Isn’t Claire Forlani always someone’s romantic entanglement?
Arch-Nemesis: In the comics, Mr. Furious and his fellows went up against the somewhat pitiful vampires known as the Vile Brotherhood, among others; in the movie, his ire was reserved for the showboating superhero -- with actual powers -- Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear) and his arch-nemesis, Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush).
Powers and/or Proficiencies: In the comics, Mr. Furious does seem to have a power: he’s just so furious about crime that he’s impervious to bullets. In the movie, he claims increased strength when he’s angry (a la, The Hulk), but offers little evidence of this that couldn’t be explained away by a fairly normal adrenaline surge.
Source: His poor anger management skills.
Weapon(s): In the comics, he is all about the hardware and loves his machine guns. In the movie, he should really consider getting one.  
Origin Story: In the movie: working in a junkyard, his life barren and boring, he dons the mantle of Mr. Furious and joins forces with some fellow losers to bumblingly fight crime. In the comics the story is pretty much the same, except that he repossesses cars for a living.
Why He’s Super: In his few comic appearances he’s funny in his unbridled fury, but it is his movie incarnation that has earned him a place on this list. Not only is Stiller’s stuttering, blustering performance hilarious, but his Mr. Furious is the only one with the wit to deduce that Captain Amazing and his billionaire benefactor, Lance Hunt, are one and the same. His insistence on this infuriates his best friend The Shoveler no end: “Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't wear glasses,” he insists. And to Mr. Furious’ assertion that: “He takes them off when he transforms,” The Shoveler responds confusedly, Lois Lane-esque: “That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see.” The Mr. Furious of the movie is a glory hound and a dubious superhero, yes, but he is also insightful, intrepid, intense and a man of integrity to whom no injustice is too small. Plus, points for a very cool outfit.

Honorable Mystery Men Mention: The Sphinx. (Mr. Furious: “What’s his power?” The Shoveler: “He’s… terribly mysterious.”)

-- Rachel Hyland

11. PIE MAN

Created by: Episode writer Jon Vitti, based on the character by Matt Groening
Year: 2004
Seen in: "Simple Simpson”, The Simpsons (15.19)
Motto: “Wherever people are mistreated, The Pie Man will strike! (Heh heh heh heh heh)” and sundry other declamations. Eventually he is forced to yell, to Mr. Burns: ‘I’ve run out of pie-related puns!”
Theme Song: His theme music is an homage to the 60’s Batman theme, foreshadowed by the opening couch gag in which the Simpson family slide down fireman poles and don Batsuits. There’s also a touch of the George Reeves Superman anthem in there, as well.
Secret Identity: Homer Simpson, his identity kept shrouded in mystery by such cunning misdirection as: “No trap can hold Homer Spimpson… uh, but I’m not Homer Simpson, I’m the Pie Man!” before being found out first by his daughter, then by Mr. Burns. He then comes out to the whole of Springfield, to the belief of no one. (“Homer Simpson is the Pie Man? Impossible! He’s never thrown away a pastry in his life!” Apu cries, perfectly reasonably.)
Nickname(s): Masked Avenger, Homie, Simpson, eh?
Affiliation(s): The Simpson family; Springfield; billionaire industrialist blackmailer C. Montgomery Burns.
Sidekick(s): The Cupcake Kid (Bart).
Romantic Entanglements: Homer, of course, is ever-faithful to his long-suffering Marge (except for that infatuation with country singer Lurlene Lumpkin that time), with whom he shares a passionate, illicit upside-down, Spidey-esque kiss. (Marge: “That was exciting, yet familiar! Like Coke with lemon in it.”)
Arch-Nemesis: Chief Wiggum, Springfield’s top police officer, considers Pie Man a threat to the town because he’s: “… skipping the hardest part of being a cop: bike safety lectures.”
Powers and/or Proficiencies: He throws pies in wrong-doers’ faces. That’s really it. (Though Lenny and Karl are convinced that he can fly, spit acid and also control animals.)
Source: Homer has a fridge full of pies in the basement, AKA the Pie Cave. “I was in so deep, I forgot pies were food,” he claims, stretching the bounds of credibility, what with him being, y’know, Homer.
Weapon(s): Pies!
Origin Story: While at the County Fair (Sight gag: “WHO STILL GOES TO THESE THINGS? FIND OUT INSIDE”), a mean Texan causes Lisa Simpson to cry by mocking then ruining her entry in the “Place-Setting Competition”. Seeking to teach the man a lesson, but mindful that he faces arrest should he perpetrate another felony assault, her loving father puts together a makeshift costume (later formalized into a suit with Y-fronts on the outside) and throws a pie in the guy’s face. And, thus, a vigilante is born.
Why He��s Super: Kent Brockman reports: “Pie! Popular pastry, tricky math thing, and now sword of righteousness! A masked avenger has been giving Springfield’s scoundrels their just desserts.” He’s a hero who seeks to right injustice -- particularly that perpetrated against his friends and family -- with non-lethal baked goods, and becomes a town legend. “Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there, for I am the Pie Man!”

-- Rachel Hyland

12. THE PUNISHER

Created by: Gerry Conway, Ross Andru and John Romita, Sr.
Year: 1974
Seen in: First in Marvel Comics’ The Amazing Spider-Man (#129), then later in a wide range of other titles before garnering his own monthly, published on and off (and with varying success) since 1987, along with several spin-off series, one shots and mini-series. On film we have 1989’s The Punisher, with Dolph Lundgren impassive in the role; 2004’s The Punisher, with Thomas Jane hot in the role; and 2008’s Punisher: War Zone -- based on the comic book title of the same name -- with Rome’s Ray Stevenson quite perfect in the role (although the movie sucked). 2005 saw an impressively canonical animated movie, Punisher: First Round, and he’s been in a bunch of video games, including an astoundingly gruesome 2005 movie tie-in and 2009’s First Person Shooter Punisher: No Mercy for PlayStation 3.
Motto: “The guilty will be punished.” Elegant in its simplicity.
Theme Song: One song that might apply is the haunting “In Time”, with which assassin Harry Heck (Mark Collie) serenades the Thomas Jane version of Frank: “You know your days are numbered/ Count 'em one by one/ Like notches in the handle of an outlaw’s gun…” Deep.
Secret Identity: Frank Castle, though he was born Francis Castiglione, and his identity isn’t really all that secret. His many aliases include Melchior, Yousoufian, Johnny Tower, Charles Fort and, adorably, Franken-Castle, which is now the name of his ongoing monthly comic (yep, he’s a reanimated shambling corpse these days. Dark Reign just wrought havoc in Marvel Land!).
Nickname(s): Punisher was Frank’s nickname even before he became a vengeful vigilante. Nice.
Affiliation(s): Are you kidding? Affiliate this, dirtbag. Sure, there was the short-lived so-called “Marvel Knights” thing, but that was more a recognition of shared goals than a true team affiliation. (The Punisher on a team with Daredevil? Please!)
Sidekick(s): Microchip (Linus Leiberman), a techwhiz who long kept Frank supplied with various gadget- and weaponry before the two had a bitch fight that even the kids on 90210 would’ve considered embarrassingly melodramatic. Shortly thereafter, Micro was apparently killed and Frank was like: meh, whatever, dude. (Microchip has since been revived, again courtesy of Dark Reign. What is WITH this?)
Romantic Entanglements: Yeah, no. The movies tried to give him a little lovin’, but our boy is really having none of it. He’s just too damn tortured, and remains ever true to the memory of his sainted wife, Maria.
Arch-Nemesis: Sadistic assassin Jigsaw, probably, but there are any number of foes who are (or, mostly, were -- Frank doesn't often leave foes alive) none too happy with our homicidal buddy, including crime lord Kingpin as well as -- somewhat ironically, given the aforementioned Marvel Knights -- Daredevil. He’s currently tussling with Wolverine’s pesky son, Daken… but that’s cool, since Daken did, y’know, kill him.
Powers and/or Proficiencies: Despite occasional flirtations with the supernatural and his current status as a back-from-the-dead super-freak, traditionally The Punisher’s true strengths were his strength of conviction, strength of firepower, and strength of, well, strength.
Source: The training provided by several grateful governments -- Army, Navy, Marines, SAS… name a military branch, he’s probably trained with them -- and his profound inner demons.
Weapon(s): He never met one he didn’t like.
Origin Story: Walking through Central Park one day, ex-military hero Frank Castle, his wife and their children, witness a mob hit. They are immediately attacked; only Frank survives. Swearing vengeance, he dons the mantle of The Punisher, and employs whatever means necessary -- including torture, kidnapping and arson -- to clean up the streets, one delinquent at a time.
Why He’s Super: As anti-heroes go, they don’t get much antier than The Punisher. If it’s true that we all love a bad boy, then he must be the most beloved character in comics. Also, it’s a rare individual who could’ve found himself in prison quite as often as Frank has done, usually through the not-so-kind offices of Spider-man, Daredevil and the like, and yet still be willing to work alongside these saintlier heroes to see justice -- and, more particularly, vengeance -- served.

Further Reading

GEEK VS GEEK: DC Movies VS Marvel Movies, this issue

-- Rachel Hyland

13. ZORRO

Created by: Johnston McCulley
Year: 1919
Seen in: First in print in the serialized story The Curse of Capistrano, and since in several novels (including one by Isabel Allende), as well as more than a few TV series (both live action and animated -- even anime!) and over fifteen movies, from the first in 1920 with Douglas Fairbanks in the role to his most recent incarnation, Antonio Banderas in The Legend of Zorro (2005). Apparently a reboot is in the works with Zorro Reborn (oh, dear), plus, of course, there’s porn: Zorrita -- who, what, makes the sign of the XXX? His comic book exploits include 1993’s Dracula Versus Zorro, and he’s also the star of an Alice Cooper song. Dude gets around.
Motto: From The Curse of Capistrano: “To avenge the helpless, to punish cruel politicians and to aid the oppressed."
Theme Song: He’s had quite a few over the years, but none are equal to the kindly explanatory tune that accompanied Disney’s hit 50’s TV series: “Out of the night, when the full moon is bright/ Comes the horseman known as Zorro/ This bold renegade carves a ‘Z’ with his blade/ A ‘Z’ that stands for Zorro.” (Thanks for that, theme song!)
Secret Identity: Don Diego de la Vega (plus his sons, sons-in-law or other noble and compassionate Latinos who are handy with a sword).
Nickname(s): The Man in Black, The Masked Avenger, The Fox (“zorro” is fox in Spanish).
Affiliation(s): Selflessly dedicated to the people of California as they languish under the cruel tyranny of Castilian (and later Mexican) rule in the early 1800’s.
Sidekick(s): The variously named, aged and afflicted Bernardo, Miguel, Filipe, etc., and his horses Tornado, Phantom and such.
Romantic Entanglements: An assortment of lovely damsels of breeding and comportment whom he would sweep off their slipper-clad feet with his dashing deeds of derring do. He even married several of them, in several different Zorro timelines.
Arch-Nemesis: Zorro collected arch-nemeses as he collected hearts. From Capitán Monastario to Commandante Montero and beyond, they’re all “cruel politicians” or similar, and they all hate Zorro’s peasant-loving guts.
Powers and/or Proficiencies: Master swordsman, whip wrangler and keen equestrian.
Source: Presumably, practice.
Weapon(s): A rapier and a bullwhip, each brought into play with impressive efficiency and no little flair.
Origin Story: Young Don Diego, outraged at the excesses being committed against the common and indigenous folk in pre-statehood California, decides to champion their cause, rage against the machine and emphatically damn the man.
Why He’s Super: A Scarlet Pimpernel of the New World, Don Diego established for himself a reputation as an insensitive fop of the highest order to hide his true altruism and mastery of the blade from the ruling elite. Sporting both a mask and cape to disguise himself and his dual persona (his all black ensemble was first employed in the 1920 Fairbanks film, and stuck), he is thus the template for many of the superheroes that followed. And sure, he’s responsible for more than a little incidental property damage, what with the signature “Z” he so expertly sliced into the doors of various dwellings, businesses and clothing -- and once, most ridiculously, into a sheet of music – but this Spanish crusader for frontier justice is nevertheless a true and enduring superhero, in anyone’s language.

-- Rachel Hyland





Further Reading:

The Top 13...

♦ Genre Heroines Who Kick Ass, Literature Division, Issue 5, July 2010
♦ Vampires! Issue 4, June 2010
♦ Geek Goddesses, Issue 3, May 2010
♦ Genre-Themed Songs, Issue 2, April 2010
♦ Genre Parodies, Issue 1, March 2010

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