Since we’re about to take a little break here at Geek Speak -- see you again in 2012! -- we thought it behooved us to take a look at some of the preferred vacation spots throughout our beloved genre. Now, sure, we’d all love to visit Narnia and Bon Temps and Tatooine. And who wouldn’t like to take a trip to Oa, or Valdemar, or inside the Matrix? But what we’re looking at here is not fictional places we’d like to see for real, but fictional destinations to which our fictional heroes (and villains) occasionally repair when life just gets all too much.

So, a list of the places guaranteed to give you the most bang for your travelers check… and please can we agree that both the future and the past are terrible tourist spots, since the potential for catastrophic timeline tampering is so great? (This means you, Observers!) (Also you, Doctor and/or Companions!)

Bon voyage!

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1. Rekall, Inc.
Total Recall (1990)
AKA Rekal Incorporated, “We Can Remember it for You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick

The very best in virtual vacation technology…

Let’s face it, an actual vacation can sometimes be more trouble than it’s worth. From missed connections to lost luggage to hotels that look nothing like the brochure, sometimes your break from work seems a lot like, well, work. So why not let Rekall, Inc. take all of the uncertainty out of the experience? Just tell us where you want to have gone, what you’d like to have done there and whom you would like to have met, and we will create your very own “extra-factual memory”, providing you with the perfect holiday experience without leaving the comfort of our palatial offices.

*Rekall, Inc. takes no responsibility for ruthlessly repressed memories that might surface and lead to a life of intra-stellar espionage.

2. Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

A world of pure imagination…

Whether you’re a chocoholic, a candy fanatic or simply an anthropologist anxious to study a tribe – and possibly species – long thought extinct, Willy Wonka’s wondrous factory is the place for you! Just buy a bar of Wonka’s famous chocolate and you could be one of five lucky winners. All it takes is a Golden Ticket!

*Willy Wonka Confectionary, Inc. and its affiliates take no responsibility for children falling into chocolate rivers, being deemed “bad nuts/eggs”, turning into giant blueberries or becoming miniaturized. Also, don’t blame us if you can’t get that Oompa Loompa song out of your head.

3. Fhloston Paradise
The Fifth Element (1997)

Why vacation on a planet when you can vacation orbiting a planet?

“Fhloston Paradise, the hotel of a thousand and one follies, home of luxury and beauty. A magic fountain flowing with non-stop wine, women and bootchie koochie koo...”

-- Ruby Rhod

*Fhloston Paradise and its parent company take no responsibility for armed rebellions, the deaths of blue, multi-armed opera singers, or averting impending apocalypses during your stay.

4. Risa
Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise

It’s not called “The Pleasure Planet” for nothing…

Sex! Sex! Sex! (Also, an ancient and fascinating culture and some remarkable weather control technology.) But mostly… sex!

*Risa “The Pleasure Planet”™ , its government and its shadowy Ferengi owners take no responsibility for any injury, theft, enemy seduction or brainwashing that may occur among Starfleet officers taking liberty on its sandy shores.

5. Lilliput
Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift

Good things come in small packages…

Tired of feeling like a little fish in a big pond? Ever wanted to be Big Man on Campus? Here’s your chance! Visit the lovely island of Lilliput, just off the coast of Tasmania, and experience the friendly hospitality of its diminutive natives. But beware the neighboring island of Blefescu and its fearsome warriors!

*The Kingdom of Lilliput and its monarchy take no responsibility for rope burns, head injuries, or any of the punishments that may indicate royal disfavor. Personal and third party injury insurance are recommended, and do please watch where you step.

6. The Savage Land
Marvel Comics

Take a step back in time without messing with the timeline…

Antarctica! It’s not all penguins and freezing temperatures. No, here you will also find the Savage Land, a millennia-long alien experiment that has left us with a prehistoric wonderland and international wildlife preserve home to many anachronistic and unique species, basking in eternally glorious weather provided by state of the art (alien) technology. Not only is it the perfect romantic mini-break getaway for even the most stressed superhero couple (just ask Scott Summers and Emma Frost), but it is also the ideal retirement location for any deposed criminal mastermind who might happen to need a repairing lease in the great outdoors. Clothing is optional.

*The Savage Land, its Nuwali builders and Beyonder overseers take no responsibility for dinosaur-related injuries, death by Man-Ape or sabotage by nihilistic aliens. Indeed, the Nuwali and Beyonders abandoned the place millennia ago, so don’t even think about looking to them for help.

7. Soma
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

No holiday beats a soma-holiday…

"The perfect drug… Euphoric, narcotic, pleasantly hallucinant…All the advantages of Christianity and alcohol; none of their defects… Take a holiday from reality whenever you like, and come back without so much as a headache or a mythology... delicious soma, half a gramme for a half-holiday, a gramme for a week-end, two grammes for a trip to the gorgeous East, three for a dark eternity on the moon…"

-- Mustapha Mond

And if that doesn't convince you..

"Soma may make you lose a few years in time… But think of the enormous, immeasurable durations it can give you out of time. Every soma-holiday is a bit of what our ancestors used to call eternity."

-- Dr. Shaw

*Soma, Inc. and the World Controllers take no responsibility for loss of time, lack of independent thought, drug dependence or permanent “holidays” that may result from the taking of soma. In fact, we’re rather counting on all of that.

8. Fantasy Island
Fantasy Island

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

We’ll tell you up front: a trip to Fantasy Island ain’t cheap. It’ll most likely cost you a cool $50 000 to board the plane, the plane. But once you arrive at this mysterious Pacific Ocean locale, it’s all luxury and decadence and the having of your heart’s desire… along with maybe a touch of Very Special Episode-style lessoning of the “careful what you wish for” school.

*Fantasy Island and its ambiguously immortal owner take no responsibility for disillusionment, disappointment or 1980’s-era fashion disasters.

9. Han Wavel
Life, the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams

An exotic holiday planet, and one of the wonders of the Galaxy…

“Han Wavel is a world which consists largely of fabulous ultra-luxury hotels and casinos, all of which have been formed by the natural erosion of wind and rain. The chances of this happening are more or less one to infinity against. Little is known of how this came about because none of the geophysicists, probability statisticians, meteoranalysts or bizzarrologists who are so keen to research it can afford to stay there.”

*Han Wavel and its eventual Vogon usurpers take no responsibility for… well, anything.

10. Ankh-Morpork
The Discworld series by Terry Pratchett

The city that never sleeps… because it’s safer that way.

“Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.”

-- The Light Fantastic

No, wait. Er…

“It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was, of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.”

- Pyramids

No, that’s not it either. How about:

“There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.”

-- Feet of Clay

Oh, sod it. Suffice it to say that the Disc’s first tourist, Twoflower of the Agatean Empire, decided on Ankh-Morpork as his first port of call, and leave it at that.

*The City of Ankh-Morpork and its Patrician take no responsibility for any theft (either legal or illegal), bodily harm (either legal or illegal), assassination (either legal or illegal) or hazardous magical vortices that may -- and probably will -- occur during your stay.

11. Delos
Westworld (1973)

Boy, have we got a vacation for you… where nothing can possibly go wrong!
(Actual movie tagline)

Come spend the day at Delos, the world’s premiere adult theme park! Battle the Black Knight in MedievalWorld; face off against a barbarian in RomanWorld; or challenge the Gunslinger to a duel in the ever-popular WestWorld! Watch in amazement as our lifelike androids cater to your every whim, leaving no desire unsatisfied. For just $1 000 per day, you’re guaranteed a happy ending.

*Delos and its parent company take no responsibility for any injury – whether fatal or non-fatal – that may occur as a result of computer malfunction, power surge or error, whether human or non-.

12. Mordor
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy by J. R. R. Tolkien

Where the Shadows lie…

For those who prefer the darkness to the light, we suggest a visit to the Land of Mordor. Replete with intriguing native species – from orcs to the Nazgul to wargs and giant, bigass spiders – and ruled by the original Dark Lord, this jewel of Middle-earth lies a convenient six month’s walk from the Shire. While there, why not take a daytrip to the spectacular Mount Doom, or pay homage to the magnificent Eye of Sauron at Barad-dûr? (Indeed, we’d strongly recommend you do the latter. Very strongly.)

*Mordor and its evil overlord take no responsibility for corruption of innocence, loss of life or obsession with jewelry that may result from your visit.

13. Camp Crystal Lake
Friday the 13th (1980) and sequels

Welcome to summer camp...

Set amongst picturesque woods and by the shores of the clear, sparkling water for which it is named, Camp Crystal Lake is an idyllic location for your next working holiday. Come be a camp counselor this summer and make friends you’ll have for the rest of your life!

*Camp Crystal Lake and its corporate owners take no responsibility for the rest of your life possibly being very short.

-- Rachel Hyland (with thanks to Brad Crammond)