Chronicles of a Reluctant Reviewer, Part 3

In the paranormal romance world, one reader encounters two separate yet equally important factors: The paranormal, which potentially could be interesting, and the romance, which potentially causes much grimacing. This is his story. <chung, CHUNG>

When we last left our intrepid reviewer, he was heading off to the hospital to get checked out for his headaches. He thinks that the large dent in his forehead that recently formed (and was recently documented) might be a cause, but he figured it was best to see a professional. On his way home from the hospital, he found a mysterious unmarked package sitting on his doorstep. Inside, he found the book Twilight Fulfilled, by Maggie Shayne. And a note, that simply read: "Review this. Or else." He did think the smiley face stickers covering that note seemed to take away from the threat a little, he had to admit to himself. But then, a book with the title that included "Twilight" in it was threatening enough on its own. Our reviewer sighed.

Upon a bit of contemplation (mostly focused on repeated phrases of "Why me?!"), the reviewer realized that there might be a glimmer of amusement that could come of this, as he would have the chance to mock the book for being a paranormal romance book that uses "Twilight" in the title. A little bit of research later led him to the discovery that Twilight Fulfilled is actually something like Book 19 of a series, either called the Children of the Night series, or Wings of the Night. In any case, the first book of the series was called Twilight Phantasies, published in 1993. His little flicker of hope was dashed.

"But, wait!", he could be heard to exclaim, were anyone near the treehouse that serves as his personal secret clubhouse. He realized that he can mock Twilight itself for being even more derivative than previously supposed! Such mockery would provide a little pay back to the Powers That Be, knowing their (completely irrational, as far as he is concerned) proclivity for all things Twilight.

It is the little things that keep our intrepid reviewer going, particularly considering that which he was about to face.

Within the pages, our intrepid reviewer learns that yes, indeed, this book features vampires. There are probably backstories to each and everyone of them in the past books in the series, but our reviewer didn't want to use the few brain cells he had left to attempt to really differentiate them. But among these vampires are twins who are really only half-vampire: Brigit and James. In this world, vampires apparently (and rather inexplicably) have special individual powers, and the half-versions are the same. James has the power to heal, and Brigit has the power to shoot lasers from her eyes. (Yeah, our reviewer didn't get the connection, either.)

In a past book (quite possibly the immediate predecessor, though determining that would require more effort than our reviewer cared to apply), due to a prophecy or some such, James used his healing power to resurrect "the first immortal", the original Noah (i.e. the flood survivor), Utanapishtim. Utana apparently awoke, arose, and then proceeded to kill vampires all around him by shooting lasers from his eyes.

Our reviewer was not aware that being granted immortality by the gods came with the side effect of lasers from one's eyes. He then wonders how the Austin Powers movies would have gone had Dr. Evil only known this information.

So the new book starts with Brigit, apparently the vampires' version of a wetworks woman (due to her own eye beams), on the mission to kill their ancestor. Our reviewer then wonders if the audience can now guess what will happen…

…if the answer was "They'll fall for each other", then the reviewer would like to send you a bright, shiny nickel. He will be unable to actually do so, however, due to the massive lawyer fees he's paying for his team of lawyers to examine his contract, but still… pat yourself on the back.

Throughout reading this book, our reviewer couldn't help continually thinking of the episode of Angel where Buffy was supposedly dating "The Immortal" in Rome. Alas, that episode sucked.

Not that that had anything to do with this book, but what can you do?

So from a romance standpoint, our reviewer was once again confused, as he usually ends being up after reading such a book. No idea why the apparent nemeses felt such an attraction. Well, it seemed to make more sense from the viewpoint of Utana himself, but from Birgit's side, it seemed to be "oh, look, that guy is all powerful and hot and stuff. I'm therefore quite drawn to him even though I'm supposed to kill him!". Once again, it became clear how little our reviewer understands women. He did, however, feel some appreciation for the fact that there wasn't a love triangle thrown into the story for the sole reason of attempting to manufacture drama. That fact alone saved our reviewer's already-damaged forehead from yet more slaps.

From the supernatural/paranormal standpoint, well, our reviewer didn't understand much. He assumes that much of the reasoning behind the various inexplicable powers that people held were explained (and thus not actually "inexplicable") in previous books in the series. There was much nodding and smiling. Well… nodding, at least.

Overall, our reviewer must admit that he didn't think one year of his life had been sucked away by reading this book. He wasn't converted to a fan, either, as he's not rushing out to read the rest of the series. He figures that if people are fans already, this addition will be considered just fine. If they aren't, well, they'll probably start with earlier books in the series, won't they? He will, however, help the author Maggie Shayne, shake a fist at Twilight for forever ruining the word "Twilight" for books. Our reviewer knows that there can never be enough support (or reasons) to shake a fist at Twilight.

   -- K. Burtt