Happy September, Geek Speakers! Some of us – which is to say, those of us in the United States – have just finished three long, delicious months of barbecues, beach trips, watermelon and ice cream. (Well, in theory, anyway.) We understand that our serious-minded brethren in other corners of the world have been toiling away diligently at their studies lo these past months, a state of affairs for which we extend our most profound sympathies. But now, autumn is upon us, and with it a whole new school year. For most students, this means the return of gym class, homework, and eating meals of questionable nutritional value in the school cafeteria. However, for students at a few choice institutions of higher education, it means the return of advanced stellar cartography and astrophysics; lessons in how to pulverize one’s opponent using spells, potions, or the ever-reliable stake through the heart; and -- if you’re really unlucky -- becoming a meal for some unspeakable creature of the night.
In honor of students everywhere, here are Geek Speak-certified prospectuses (prospecti?) for thirteen of our favorite schools in genre...
1.
STARFLEET ACADEMY| WORF: | I am a graduate of Starfleet Academy. I know many things. |
| -- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “The Darkness and the Light” (05.11) |
As seen in: Star Trek and its various filmic sequels, prequels, reboots, and spinoffs… not to mention a series of novels, a series of graphic novels, and a video game for your PC.
Location: The main campus is in San Francisco, right across from the Golden Gate Bridge. However, there are auxiliary campuses scattered here and there, with a separate campus for Starfleet Medical.
Student body: The best and brightest from across the galaxy, human and non-. Students have included humans, Klingons, Vulcans, green-skinned Orions… and also the Ferengi Nog (which admittedly may not be a selling point for some -- okay, most -- people).
Faculty: The faculty is composed primarily of Starfleet Officers, as one would expect. However, if groundskeeper Boothby is about, pay attention to what he has to say; he has offered wise counsel to a number of Starfleet officers of renown.
Why you want to go there: Space… the final frontier. Not everyone is cut out for the exploration of that frontier, but if you’re one of those people, the Academy is where you want to be. Plus – the class reunions and alumni gatherings are second to none. All the best people go (or have gone) to Starfleet Academy. James T. Kirk, Jean-Luc Picard, and Kathryn Janeway all attended the Academy; so did Worf, Spock, Tuvok, and other single-named luminaries. (Also, Nog.) We think that Jonathan Archer’s student days may have been a bit before the Academy’s time, although young cadet Montgomery Scott did manage to conduct certain unfortunate transporter experiments with Archer’s prize beagle, suggesting that the Captain (and later Admiral) spent some time on faculty.
Why you totally don’t: It’s dangerous! Cadets are always getting themselves kidnapped, forming secret societies, lying to their instructors, getting into trouble, and doing really stupid things. We expect more from the Federation’s best and brightest.
HONORABLE STARFLEET ACADEMY MENTION: There really is a Starfleet Academy, the courses from which are open to any member in good standing of STARFLEET: The International Star Trek Fan Association, Inc. Check out their Internet home here; sample courses are here.
2.
HOGWARTS| DUMBEDORE: | Welcome! Welcome to the new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you! |
| -- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone |
As seen in: The Harry Potter books, movies, and fanfic.
Location: Ye auld Scotland, possibly near Dufftown. If you’re Muggle-born, however, don’t go looking for it; powerful spells conceal it from your sight.
Student body: Promising young wizards ages eleven to eighteen. No Muggles are allowed – “either you’re magical or you’re not,” and if you are, fear not, Hogwarts will find you.
Faculty: Distinguished and magical. From upright and honorable Headmaster Albus Dumbledore to Groundskeeper Hagrid, faculty members are all masters of the magical arts. The fact that no Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has managed to last more than a year or so in his (typically his) position should be in no way construed as a reflection on the school, the faculty, the curriculum, or the student body.
Why you want to go there: Magical boarding school goodness, complete with inter-House rivalries, darling uniforms, candlelight, secret passageways, and everything that makes boarding school great. And if none of that appeals to you -- one word: QUIDDITCH.
Why you totally don’t: Two words: Everything else. Seriously, between the teachers (Snape is a bully and a jerk, Dumbledore a bumbling withholder of information, and don’t even get us started on freakin’ VOLDEMORT having a grudge against the place) to the legions of unformed teenagers messing about with spells way beyond their capability, the student who matriculates at Hogwarts takes his (or her) life in his (or her) hands.
3.
THE XAVIER INSTITUTE FOR HIGHER LEARNING (formerly
XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS)| WOLVERINE: | How long have you been here? |
| ICEMAN: | Couple of years, it's not so bad. |
| WOLVERINE: | What about your parents, they just shipped you off to mutant school? |
| ICEMAN: | Actually, my parents think this is a prep school. |
| WOLVERINE: | Well, I guess lots of prep schools have their own campus, dorms, kitchens... |
| ICEMAN: | Jets? |
| X-2 |
As seen in: Fifty years of X-Men comics, movies, and video games.
Location: Housed in a gracious building known informally as X-Mansion, located in Westchester County, NY; but the one-time Massachusetts Institute (basically, the junior campus) was, of course, situated in the Bay State.
Student body: Mutants all, hand-picked by Charles Xavier and his associates.
Faculty: The school was long led by Charles Xavier, telepathic mutant extraordinaire, who has devoted his life to improving relations between mutants and humankind, and sees the school as a natural and logical extension of those efforts. The current directors are Scott Summers (Cyclops) and Emma Frost. The teachers are mostly mutants -- typically very good-looking ones, and many of them alumni of the school.
Why you want to go there: If you qualify for admission to the Xavier Institute, it means you are super-talented; you can move buildings with your mind, control the weather, read thoughts, turn everyone around you to goo, or fly. The setting (New York or Massachusetts) is opulent and beautiful. There’s no better place than the Danger Room to develop your talents, whether they include frying objects with a glance, turning things to ice, or shapeshifting. The technology is first-rate; of particular note is the Cerebro machine, which amplifies brain activity and is instrumental in identifying other mutants, and the various cars, motorcycles, boats, and, yes, jets owned by the school. Also, the faculty is gorgeous.
Why you totally don’t: If you qualify for admission to the Xavier Institute, practically everybody else in the world hates you. Or so the movies would have us believe.
4.
UNSEEN UNIVERSITY| Many things went on at Unseen University and, regrettably, teaching had to be one of them. The faculty had long ago confronted this fact and had perfected various devices for avoiding it. But this was perfectly all right because, to be fair, so had the students. |
| -- Interesting Times |
As seen in: Terry Pratchett’s popular Discworld series, 39 volumes and going strong.
Location: The city-state of Ankh-Morpork, located on the Discworld
Student body: Aspiring wizards, mostly. Students may not have been culled from the Discworld’s best and brightest; witness wizard Rincewind, who bumbles about in a hat with WIZZARD emblazoned upon it in sequins and who is renowned among more accomplished wizards as “the magical equivalent of the number zero.”
Faculty: Past-their-prime wizards. They are traditionally addressed by their titles, not their names -- in fact, few students even know their teachers’ true names. Turnover is high, and wizards wishing to rise through the ranks generally handle things the old-fashioned way: by assassinating their superiors.
Why you want to go there: If Unseen University were an American institution of higher learning, it would probably be a beer-and-circuses party school with a football team perpetually in the top ten. But like many party schools, there may be some actual stuff there. For students who settle down and, you know, pay attention to what they’re doing, it’s a very interesting education. The wizards on faculty don’t just practice magic in the whizz-bang style, they actually study the structure and function of magic at its deepest levels. The venerable Librarian, meanwhile? An ape, who can often be easily bribed with bananas.
Why you totally don’t: There are no women! Eskarina Smith is UU’s first and only known female graduate. That’s no fun!
5.
SIDEKICK CITY ELEMENTARY| TEACHER: | Some of you may have heard, we have a new principal this year. |
| ROBIN: | What? New principal? |
| KID FLASH: | Yeah, and I hear he’s real mean and strict, too. |
| SPEEDY: | They call him Terminator. |
| -- Tiny Titans #1 |
As seen in: DC Comics’ Tiny Titans, created by Art Baltazar and Franco Aureliani.
Location: Sidekick City… just down the road from Riverdale.
Student body: A legion of adorable mini-superheroes: notably Wonder Girl, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Speedy and the Teen Titans as youngsters.
Faculty: All pretty much bad guys: Principal Slade is otherwise known as Deathstroke, anti-hero Lobo is the gym teacher, and let us not forget the menace of Lunch Lady Darkseid.
Why you want to go there: A likely field trip destination? The Fortress of Solitude!
Why you totally don’t: You’ll get compared to the Muppet Babies, which is completely unfair.
6.
ST. VLADIMIR'S ACADEMY| This school wasn't as old as the ones back in Europe, but it had been built in the same style. The buildings boasted elaborate, almost churchlike architecture, with high peaks and stone carvings. Wrought iron gates enclosed small gardens and doorways here and there. After living on a college campus, I had a new appreciation for just how much this place resembled a university more than a typical high school. |
| -- Rose, Vampire Academy |
As seen in: The Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead.
Location: On vast wooded grounds deep in rural, mystical… Montana, of course.
Student body: Elite vampires and their dhampir helpmeets/guardians/food sources.
Faculty: Immortal, aristocratic and largely forbidding, though occasionally also highly dateable.
Why you want to go there: It’s a boarding school full of hot vampires. Duh.
Why you totally don’t: Not only will you be under constant threat of attack by the evil undead known as the Strigoi, but in addition to such occult classes as Advanced Guardian Combat Techniques and Basics of Elemental Control, you also have to take Advanced Calculus.
7.
SKY HIGH| LAYLA: | Now I know it's just our first day, but I already can't wait to graduate and start saving mankind. And womankind. And animalkind. |
| WILL: | And the rainforest. |
| LAYLA: | Of course! |
As seen in: Sky High (2005)
Location: In the sky, obviously. Quoth Ron Wilson, Bus Driver: “Kept aloft by the latest in anti-gravitational propulsion, she is in constant motion as a precaution against those who otherwise might have nefarious plans, her location supplied only to a handful of highly qualified individuals…”
Student body: Nascent superheroes and sidekicks, most of whom are the offspring of at least one super-parent (or who were at least exposed to some form of radiation).
Faculty: Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) is your principal, Ash (Bruce Campbell) is your coach, and the school nurse has X-ray vision.
Why you want to go there: Science class involves building freeze guns (it’s more “Mad Science” Class), the dodge ball equivalent is “Save the Citizen” and when a schoolyard fight erupts, there is much CGI required.
Why you totally don’t: Not only is there an enormous schism in the school between the heroes and the sidekicks (sorry: Hero Support), but also there is a very real possibility of falling off the edge of the school.
8.
POKEY OAKS KINDERGARTEN| MS. KEANE: | It's nice of you to join us, girls. This is the third time this week you've fallen asleep in class. |
| BLOSSOM: | We're sorry, Ms. Keane. We can't help it. |
| BUBBLES: | We wouldn't be so tired if we weren’t out every single night. |
| BUTTERCUP: | Keeping Townsville safe from crime for you and its citizens. |
| MS. KEANE: | Hmm... yes, well that's true, I did forget that part. But that does not excuse you from your responsibilities at school! |
| -- “Daylight Savings” (02.07) |
As seen in: The Powerpuff Girls
Location: The city of Townsville…
Student body: Assorted pre-schoolers, but most notably three color-coordinated pre-school superheroes and Princess Morebucks, spoiled evil mastermind in training.
Faculty: The kindergarten is run by the deceptively gentle Miss Keane, who is certainly sweet, nurturing and dedicated to early education, but also has a backbone of pure steel that makes her a woman not to be trifled with.
Why you want to go there: Your classmates are superheroes! Also, naptime.
Why you totally don’t: Your classmates are superheroes with an ever growing roster of enemies and unpredictable powers that occasionally destroy the school. Also, the fact that three of the kids in your class get to fly off to defend the city (usually through the roof), skipping out on lessons in basic arithmetic in the process, must surely get bothersome after a while.
9.
SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL| JONATHAN: | We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here. |
| -- "The Prom" (03.20) |
As seen in: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and its associated offshoots, canonical and non-)
Location: Scenic Sunnydale, California. It is said to be located atop the Mouth of Hell -- literally, a portal leading straight to the netherworld -- but then, isn’t every high school?
Student body: Good-looking Southern California kids, mostly. Also vampires, demons, witches, werewolves, super-secret paramilitary organizations, the odd ghost, and good-old-fashioned Mean Girls. Standing between all the SoCal Beautiful People and the diversely and creatively rendered hordes that emerge from the Hellmouth is, of course, Class Protector turned overwhelmed frosh Buffy Summers (but you didn’t need us to tell you that, did you?)
Faculty: Oh, you know. Your usual mix of strait-laced British librarians representing secret organizations, gypsies with centuries-old grudges, and the like. The principals are generally tiresome sorts, but the good news is that you never have to put up with one for long, as they display an alarming tendency to be eaten.
Why you want to go there: The serious student of the occult will find that he or she is never bored in Sunnydale, between the vampires eyeing the student body like the tasty Happy Meals on legs that they are, the numerous opportunities to party with the undead, and the frequent appearances by a truly astonishing array of demons -- not to mention the fact that a spell, curse or ancient ritual of some kind could, at any time, turn the unwary teen into anything from a love-crazed lunatic to a zombie to a hyena. Maybe that’s why so many Sunnydale High grads end up matriculating at UC Sunnydale. (Or maybe it’s because everyone there is so hot. These explanations are equally plausible.)
Why you totally don’t: The odds of your actually being alive to graduate are not terribly high.
HONORABLE BUFFY MENTION: The University of California at Sunnydale --– a large and picturesque campus school bizarrely never even mentioned until it became necessary to the narrative.
10.
MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY| Strange things happened during the Peace Riots at Miskatonic University. Professors disappeared. So did Long Hall, with all of its students. Every professor who attended the July 23 faculty meeting was turned into a giant frog. And the students who, on July 29, forceably occupied the Administration Building with the aid of a toothy, shapeless, gigantic ally, vanished from the Administrative Building along with that ally, leaving unbelievable quantities of blood behind. |
| -- “The Last Necromonicon” by Larry Niven |
As seen in: The Cthulhu Mythos of H.P. Lovecraft, et al.
Location: Arkham, Massachusetts
Student body: The brave, the bold, and the supernaturally-inclined. Mostly male; Asenath Waite is the only female student on record.
Faculty: Diverse, and possessing (to a man) an unearthly ability to attract and confront the uncanny and strange.
Why you want to go there: Scholarship, for one thing; the University library’s holdings include one of the few copies of the Necronomicon, as well as Friedrich von Junzt’s Unaussprechlichen Kulten the rare and fragmentary Book of Eibon. Magic, for another, although here some controversy exists as to whether the magic in question is covert, per Lovecraft and his more literal followers, or overt, as depicted by later interpreters of the Cthulhu Mythos. (These days the consensus seems to be “overt.”)
Why you totally don’t: Miskatonic U. is a lot like the town of Eureka – you’ll need a high tolerance for weirdness to get by here.
HONORABLE MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY MENTION: Miskatonic University has several homes on the web: this seems to be the most comprehensive.
11.
THE SCHOOL OF MAGIC ON THE ISLAND OF ROKE| "The more he learned, the less he would have to fear, until finally in his full power as Wizard he needed fear nothing in the world, nothing at all." |
| -- Ged/Sparrowhawk |
As seen in: The Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin
Location: Uh. The Island of Roke. On Earthsea.
Student body: The most magically talented of all the children in all the lands of Earthsea. Er… the boy children, that is.
Faculty: In addition to a wise and venerable head mage, there are nine masters, named for their disciplines: Master Windkey, Master Hand, Master Herbal, Master Changer, Master Summoner, Master Namer, Master Chanter, Master Patterner and Master Doorkeeper. Most of which are fairly self-explanatory.
Why you want to go there: You learn magic!
Why you totally don’t: Mostly you learn it by studying the Old Speech (AKA dragon language) and memorizing the “True Names” of things. Makes magic seem a little too much like Spanish class, doesn’t it?
12.
WOODSBORO HIGH SCHOOL
| PRINCIPAL HIMBRY: | Remember, your principal loves you and I want you to be safe. All students are encouraged to return to their homes promptly from school grounds. Avoid strangers, walk in twos and threes; I will be here tomorrow. Thank you. |
As seen in: Scream (1996)
Location: Glorious Woodsboro, California.
Student body: Photogenic pop culture mavens with improbably clear skin and shockingly short life expectancies.
Faculty: Well, the principal is the Fonz, so…
Why you want to go there: Dude, the principal is The Fonz!
Why you totally don’t: When you learn about dissection in Biology, some of your fellow students may very well pay just a little too much attention.
13.
HIGHER INSTITUTE OF VILLAINOUS EDUCATION| "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and a megalomaniacal headmaster, the world's deadliest assassin, giant mutated plant monsters, an international cartel of supervillains, and the security forces of every country on earth, but other than that... just fear." |
| -- Otto, The Overlord Protocol. |
As seen in: The H.I.V.E. series by Mark Walden
Location: An island lair, whereabouts kept very, very secret.
Student body: A multi-cultural assortment of precocious criminal masterminds (or just criminals), many of whom are legacy students, all divided into four educational “streams”: Alpha, Technical, Financial/Political and Henchman.
Faculty: Headed up by the enigmatic Dr. Nero, past instructors include the Contessa, a woman who could compel obedience with only her voice, and the current staff roster offers up a cat as the head of Stealth and Evasion. And how many other schools have a world class assassin on staff?
Why you want to go there: Under the sporadic control of H.I.V.E.mind, an omnipotent AI with occasional flashes of sentience, and equipped with the very latest in world domination-y equipment and ideas, HIVE is a veritable smorgasbord of awesome for any aspiring evil overlord.
Why you totally don’t: Isn’t high school evil enough? Plus, the casualty rate isn’t exactly low.
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Fourth Street Elementary (Recess), Tower Prep (Tower Prep), X Middle School (Fillmore!), Charles Darwin Middle School (My Gym Partner's a Monkey), Smallville High, Roswell High, Monster High, Camp Half-Blood and the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.
--
Further Reading:
Previous Top 13's
♦ Glee Song Covers, Issue 18, August 2011
♦ Sams, Issue 17, July 2011
♦ Shapeshifters, Issue 16, June 2011
♦ Doctor Who Companions, Issue 15, May 2011
♦ Fantasy Villains, Issue 14, April 2011
♦ Geek Speak Recommendations, Issue 13, March 2011
♦ Paranormal Romance Clichés, Issue 12, February 2011
♦ Robots, Male Division, Issue 11, January 2011
♦ Geek Gifts, Issue 10, December 2010
♦ Nameless Extras Made Good, Issue 9, November 2010
♦ Pop-Culture Witches, Issue 8, October 2010
♦ Confusing Movies of All Time, Issue 7, September, 2010
♦ Superheroes Without Superpowers, Issue 6, August 2010
♦ Genre Heroines Who Kick Ass, Literary Division, Issue 5, July, 2010
♦ Vampires! Issue 4, June 2010
♦ Geek Goddesses, Issue 3, May, 2010
♦ Genre-Themed Songs, Issue 2, April 2010
♦ Genre Parodies, Issue 1, March 2010
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