While the first three Spy Kids movies weren’t particularly great, they did maintain the basic thematic tropes of a secret agent/action thriller, while having the spies portrayed by pre-teens.

Since Rodriguez also wrote the first three, the way in which he seems to devalue his franchise so much in this one boggles the mind. This movie is stupid and disgusting, and is my pick for Worst Picture at this year’s Golden Raspberry Awards.

All that being said, the opening sequence of the film has some potential. Ricky Gervais narrates the opening. It’s not INCREDIBLY clever or funny, but it holds promise. Anyone who pays ten bucks to watch a Spy Kids movie wants some surprises, and this kind of opening narration holds the allure of a guest spot by a famous comedian. Yay! And it goes deeper -- or rather, it implies that the movie should have. When you watch the movie, they give you a card, and Ricky explains that when a number flashes on the screen, you scratch that number, and you get the added dimension of smell. This smelled (pun not intended) of some expert use of campy fun. The “allure” of Smell-O-Vision, with Gervais even promising that he’s actually the star of the movie, seemed too good to be true, for a comedy nerd such as myself.

Once the movie actually starts, though, it never stops. Literally. Robert Rodriquez apparently thinks that things happening really fast somehow cover up the fact that there is no character depth and no timing, either comedically or in terms of the action.

The opening sequence is Marissa Wilson (Alba) spying on the terrible criminal, Tick Tock (Jeremy Piven). While she is spying, she is talking over a walkie talkie with Danger D’Amo (Jeremy Piven), her supervisor. I was caught off guard by a twist that comes later with the same actor playing two parts. To be fair, though, I was distracted by all these moments of dialogue that were composed of:

1. Tick Tock- Jeremy Piven talking.

And at some other point-

2. Danger- Jeremy Piven doing the cheesiest 1940’s gangster speech, hoping to create the illusion that he’s not playing two roles?

Anyway, the annoying voice making the movie look stupid thing didn’t really get resolved when the camera revealed that Marissa is expecting. The rationale for how this is possible may be stupid, but the “action” sequence is even worse.

Marissa decides that she has to take down Tick Tock herself. Apparently, tastelessness and children’s entertainment go together hand in hand, because Marissa has this big fight scene where Tick Tock tries to have his henchmen grab her.

There are a lot of witty one-liners, like when she tells a female bad guy that she’s nine months pregnant, and kicks her in the head when she says “Congratulations!”

And then the movie really takes a turn for the worse, when, in the midst of the fight scene, her water breaks. That really encapsulates the rest of movie, which is just a cacophony of disgusting noises and disgusting images, with the plot going on around it.

Marissa wants to settle down and raise her new baby, along with the family she apparently married into. So, for those of you keeping score at home, Ricky Gervais has not arrived, but we do get another underwhelming (borderline straight man, if you ask me) performance from an established funny man, Joel McHale as Alba’s husband, Wilbur Wilson. [Why, Joel? WHY? – Ed.] Wilbur is a TV reporter, and he wants to start a new show called Spy Hunter, in which he would, well, track down spies. He does start the show, and that’s basically all that can be said about it, because it doesn’t really comprise any plot detail whatsoever. He is inept, and he can’t track down a spy, even though he is married to one...

Oh, that should be funny!

But it’s time to meet the real stars of the movie -- and they are given a lot of screen time to prove it to you. Cecil (Mason Cook) and Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) Wilson are brother and sister. Their dynamic consists of a brother and sister who tease each other a lot, and yet get along constantly. Rebecca is the dominant sibling, and she doesn’t like Marissa, since she’s the stepmom. But Marissa tries to make things better by giving Rebecca an old necklace, to signify how she’s special.

The dramatic moments in the movie are the best, probably because the comedy is so lame and underdeveloped. Which is a nice segue into an early abomination with the smell-o-cards, as Rebecca springs a trap on Marissa, and spills a “Bleu Cheese Bomb” on her head.

When you scratch the card, it smells like blue candy. I understand that there is some subtle irony of expectations going on, in comparison with the opening monologue, but it was obviously a way to end a scene without writing any dialogue. Although Jessica Alba’s tormented face does speak volumes about the movie as a whole. Interesting...

Meanwhile, it turns out that Tick Tock is working for a bad guy named the Time Keeper. And their evil plot is already taking effect, as time is going faster and faster, until something happens with that. I know that it’s supposed to be the end of the world, but the way they carry the idea comes across is a little tepid (at best). For example, when Wilbur has a deadline at his job, his boss tells him that he needs a video pieced together. The deadline was a day ago! Wow, now it seems really threatening, since a character ANNOUNCED it!

To be fair, there are a lot of images of clocks moving around super fast.

Okay, now its time for the Spy Kids portion of the movie. Marissa leaves to take the old necklace to headquarters (it can solve the time dilemma). The bad guys attack the house. And that’s when the family dog, Argonaut (Ricky Gervais), reveals himself as a robot and helps the kids escape to the HQ of the OSS, the spy organization. (So that mildly explains why Gervais thought he was the star of the movie. What a relief...) There’s a lot of the two kids making snarky comments and/or saying “Whoa!” on the way to HQ. And then cue the entrance of the old Spy Kids. Or at least, one of them. Carmen Cortez (Alexa Vega), a character vaguely recognizable to people everywhere, is the person who tours the kids through the facility. And each of the kids takes a gadget from the warehouse, which Carmen deactivates. (For those of you interested, Cecil takes strength gloves, while Rebecca takes a booby trap kit.)

I don’t want to spoil the twists and turns for everyone, but the kids keep trying to escape from their captivity in a play room. And I have to mention, in the laziest use of a smell-o-card (seriously, when am I ever going to get the chance to use that phrase again?), there was this shot of Cecil sitting near three bowls of food. That’s three, count ‘em, three vague smells of food for you! What an amazing insight into the organization of day care rooms in government buildings!

So Argonaut does help the kids escape from the break room, and they come close to helping the old Spy Kids (Juni Cortez [Daryl Sabara] was rogue after the third one, or something? But he came back, so it’s all “good”...), and their stepmom takes down the Time Keeper.

But the Time Keeper seems to win, and it turns out that Danger D’Amo, Tick Tock, Time Keeper, and every other person involved with being Jeremy Piven (or a being Jeremy Piven-related crime), are the same dude...GASP!!!, who was trapped in time when he was a kid, so he wants to enjoy his childhood years.

Again, a decent dramatic interlude, as the time conundrum of the Time Keeper’s life is sad. Kind by the sheer boredom of a bad kids movie. The end of the movie wasn’t interesting for me at all, but it may have been tainted by the unwatchable first two-thirds of it, and to again be fair, I did hear a lot of childish giggling with all of the farting and food throwing effects.

So, maybe I should amend my recommendation to: Die First, Then Be Reincarnated As An 8-Year Old Boy.

   -- Jason Luna