Okay, here’s the thing. Re-read the quote above, and take a minute to meditate upon the fact that this is actually one of the tamer passages in the novel.

… Got that? Having done so, you may already be shouting “Oh HELL no” and clicking through to the next review, which is perfectly understandable. Or you may have whipped out your e-reader to buy Lord of Vampires on the spot, in which case I can assure you that you won’t be disappointed. In the immortal words of… someone, if you like this sort of thing, then this is the sort of thing you’ll like.

Lord of the Vampires is the story of the vampire Nicolai -- formerly crown prince of Elden and more recently the unhappy sexual plaything of the odious Laila of Delfina -- and Jane, a human quantum physicist from our own world. Jane is recovering from a terrible personal tragedy when one day, she receives a mysterious book in the mail. The book reveals Nicolai’s sad tale to her, and through it she’s magically drawn to Delfina, where she and Nicolai work together to effect his escape. Oh, and also they have lots and lots and LOTS of sex. But then that sort of goes without saying, doesn’t it?

This is the first book in the forthcoming Royal House of Shadows quartet, which will detail how Nicolai and his three siblings (mentioned in this volume, but we don’t actually meet them quite yet) attempt to regain the stolen throne of Elden. You see, twenty years ago, the evil entity known as the Blood Sorcerer attempted to slay the entire Royal Family; the king and queen were killed, but as they died they used their considerable magicks to a) fill their children with an unquenchable thirst for vengeance and b) get the kids the hell out of the castle, where they would be safe (or “safe,” as the case may be). Each installment is written by a different steam-queen author (Showalter, along with Jill Monroe, Jessica Andersen, and Nalini Singh), and each takes a different fairy tale as its inspiration and jumping-off point. This one is apparently based on Alice in Wonderland (not really a fairy tale, but just go with it); romantic riffs on Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Little Red Riding Hood, and Beauty and the Beast are ahead.

But how was it? -- I hear you ask, in trepidation. Well, I’ve read worse. I appreciate the considerate inclusion of an actual plot on which to hang all the sex, and if certain aspects of the book didn’t make a lot of sense to me (if Nicolai is powerful enough to bring Jane across the dimensions to his side, why isn’t he powerful enough to get away from Laila? I know she’s blocking his powers or absorbing them or whatever, but surely in the twenty years he’s been her captive she’s passed out or let her guard down for a minute or something?), I was willing to let that slide. The sex scenes are as steamy as you could hope for, despite Showalter’s egregious overuse of the word “lave.” (I hate that word with a passion, and Nicolai and Jane “lave” one another’s assorted body parts A LOT.). And there are brief hints that all is not well with Nicolai’s lost brothers and sister, which piqued my interest (in spite of myself) for the sequels.

In short, this book is exactly what you think it is, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. It delivers on everything it promises, and really, what more can a reader ask for?

   -- Kate Nagy