I just watched the most godawful chick flick. It was called Playing House, filmed in Canada, and dealt with the travails of a young woman who gets knocked up by her itinerant musician boyfriend, is deported from the US upon discovery that her work visa has not been renewed, and then must choose between the father of her child and the glamorous, award-winning author who finds her shrill eccentricity strangely appealing. (I’m making it sound better than it is.)

The reason I watched it? Well, it starred Joanne Kelly and Colin Ferguson, both of whom star on Syfy shows that I enjoy: the former plays uptight Agent Myka Bering on Warehouse 13 and the latter is the ever-so-handsome and charming Sherriff Jack Carter on Eureka. Both were… fine, here. But. 

Of course, Playing House was far from the first movie of dubious quality I have assayed due to the presence of a favorite actor from an equally favorite TV show. Indeed, that list is so very long and cumbersome (not to mention embarrassing) that it would take up considerably more time .

But here, a somewhat edited version, featuring only the worst of the very, memorably worst of such cinematic (or, let’s be honest: TV movie) debacles, in the hopes that perhaps I can save you from a similar fate…

12 MEN OF CHRISTMAS
(2009)
Based on the novel Decent Exposure, by Philippa Ashley
Written by: John Maas
Directed by: Arlene Sanford
Starring: Josh Hopkins; Kristin Chenoweth
Plays: Grayson Ellis, Cougar Town; Annabeth Schott, The West Wing, Olive Snook, Pushing Daisies, April Rhodes, Glee

This repellent, shudder-worthy Lifetime movie sees the squeaky-voiced Kristin Chenoweth play a New York City publicist whose perfect life falls apart when she discovers that her fiancé is having an affair with their boss. Through a series of unfortunate idiocy, she ends up in a small Montana town working for the Mayor in an attempt to lure more visitors to the area, but also becomes involved in the local volunteer Search and Rescue team’s bid to raise funds. While butting heads with arrogant local hero Will Arbrecht (Josh Hopkins) – and, yes, you can easily imagine how that turns out, right? – she convinces the guys from the S&R to pose for a revealing calendar, and… oh, man, do I have to think about this movie anymore? It’s so bad, and damn Chenoweth and Hopkins for both being so attractive as to make me watch it.

BOOK OF LOVE
(2004)
Written by: Alan Brown
Directed by: Alan Brown
Starring: Simon Baker
Plays: Nick Fallin, The Guardian; and most recently, of course, Patrick Jane on The Mentalist

While I have been fond of Baker (or, as he was known at the time, Baker-Denny) since his days on Australian prime time soap E Street, it is really only since The Mentalist that I have really begun to plumb the depths of his back catalogue of films, most of which are… not good. (Though I quite enjoyed the rom-com Something New, and Sex and Death 101, also starring Winona Ryder, was saved from a place on this list by its very clever denouement.) But this one is the worst of a bad bunch, a somehow racy-but-dull treatise on sex, marriage and academia that is simply… uncomfortable. Baker and his co-star, Australian Frances O’Connor, do their usual excellent work, as does Bryce Dallas-Howard, but in the end this is just such a lackluster film that no amount of talent can make its dreariness bearable.

BOXING HELENA
(1993)
Written by: Philippe Caland and Jennifer Chambers Lynch
Directed by: Jennifer Chambers Lynch
Starring: Sherilyn Fenn
Plays: Audrey Horne, Twin Peaks; Billie Franks, Rude Awakening

Fenn was the standout star of Twin Peaks, for me, and I loved her in-recovery Showtime sitcom, Rude Awakening -- assuredly one of the more underrated examples of the genre ever committed to cable. And so a few years back, when I happened upon the DVD of Boxing Helena, I decided to give it a try, despite vague misgivings precipitated by my recollection that Kim Basinger was so displeased over the final script that she was sued for refusing to take on the title role. I mean, this is the woman who starred in My Stepmother is an Alien! Still, Sherilyn Fenn… I gave it a go. What I learned in watching it was a whole new appreciation for Basinger’s taste -- what a truly toxic tale, without even a shred of redeeming value! Also starring Julian Sands (beloved of me from A Room With a View, and -- of course -- Warlock), it is (and I am NOT KIDDING) the story of a surgeon who is so obsessed with Fenn’s Helena that when she is injured in a car accident, he takes her home, keeps her captive and amputates her limbs. Then Stockholm Syndrome kicks in and she returns his affections. I hated this movie! HATED IT! That is all.

CELESTE IN THE CITY
(2004)
Written by: Abdi Nazemian and Micah Schraft
Directed by: Larry Shaw
Starring: Majandra Delfino, Nicholas Brendon
Plays: Maria DeLuca, Roswell; Xander Harris, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Of the plentiful and photogenic cast of the WB teen sci-fi show Roswell, I always liked Majandra Delfino, as sassy Maria, the best (although it was obvious early on that the statuesque Katherine Heigl would be the one to go on to stardom). So when ABC Family started advertising a Pygmalion-esque adventure in which Delfino’s frumpy Celeste would find style, confidence and a man -- and which further starred my beloved Xander from Buffy (not to mention Ethan Embry, whom I have loved since Empire Records) -- I would have been more than human had I managed to not watch it. How I wish I had found the strength to resist! This movie has all the substance of cotton candy, but leaves a bad taste behind it, like… I don’t know, do they make diet cotton candy? Delfino is perfectly adequate in the role, but it’s difficult to buy her supposed unattractiveness (Rachael Leigh Cook in She’s All That was more convincing… and she, y’know, wasn’t), and as for Brendon’s portrayal of her faaabulous cousin, well, it’s a little too Big Gay Al for my taste. No, I really didn’t enjoy this one at all.

COME EARLY MORNING
(2006)
Written by: Joey Lauren Adams
Directed by: Joey Lauren Adams
Starring: Jeffrey Donovan
Plays: Michael Westen, Burn Notice

On Burn Notice, Donovan is suave and decisive as burned spy and expert in everything, Michael Westen. In this movie, he is a cocky yet strangely vulnerable blue collar guy who falls for the complicated Ashley Judd, and rocks a Southern accent. Indeed, both Donovan and Judd do well in their roles, but in the end, this debut feature from Joey Lauren Adams (whom you might remember predominantly as Ben Affleck’s bisexual love interest in Chasing Amy) is just a pointless, kind of washed out, and ultimately profoundly unsatisfactory experience.

DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS
(1998)
Story by: Anthony Abrams and Adam Larson Broder
Written by: Michael Traeger and Mike White
Directed by: Alan Cohn
Starring: Alyson Hannigan
Plays: Willow Rosenberg, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and currently Lily Aldrin on How I Met Your Mother

At the time that I commenced watching this movie, I had no idea that in addition to Alyson Hannigan, it also starred Saved by the Bell’s Mark-Paul Gosselaar and That Thing You Do!’s Tom Everett Scott. I just knew, hey, Willow! I’ll watch that. Other faces now recognizable include Poppy Montgomery, Jason Segel and Linda Cardellini; Hannigan’s role, meanwhile, is blink-and-you’ll-miss-it (except, it would be hard to miss that horrible mullet hair). I’m not saying the movie doesn’t have the odd flash of the funny, but it just never gets past its irksome premise: the search for a suicidal roommate to allow two failing, and annoying, undergrads an A. Lame.

FATHERS AND SONS
(2005)
Written by: Rodrigo García, Jared Rappaport and Rob Spera
Directed by: Rodrigo García, Jared Rappaport and Rob Spera
Starring: Bradley Whitford; Gale Harold
Plays: Josh Lyman, The West Wing; Brian Kinney, Queer as Folk

This reflective anthology piece, as the title suggests, explores the complexity of masculine relationships. Alongside Whitford and Harold we see John Mahoney and Samantha Mathis, along with many other recognizable faces, and while all the performances are at least adequate, and in some places outstanding, this movie is just so utterly banal that it would have made no difference if the main roles had been played by the cast of Jersey Shore. Pretty much nothing more than a bunch of middleclass boys whining about their Daddy Issues, this movie was divided into thirds, with each of them written and directed by a different filmmaker. The wonder here is how three different auteurs could have turned in work as uniformly tedious as each other’s -- although, that said, the storyline of Mahoney’s absentee pilot coming to terms with his son’s (Ron Eldard) homosexuality was at least a little bit interesting, if still way too slow.

I WANT TO MARRY RYAN BANKS
(2004)
AKA The Reality of Love
Written by: Chad Hodge
Directed by: Sheldon Larry
Starring: Jason Priestley; Emma Caulfield; Bradley Cooper
Plays: Brandon Walsh, Beverly Hills, 90210; Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Will Tippin, Alias, Jack Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if Bradley Cooper’s people -- once you’ve had the string of hit comedies he has, you get people, right? -- have scoured the internet searching for all evidence of this utter piece of trash and removing it immediately with targeted computer viruses or something. I couldn’t even find you a trailer for this little gem on YouTube, and trust me when I tell you, that is almost unheard of. Basically, the story goes that Ryan Banks (Priestley) is a washed up movie star who needs an injection of good publicity. Apparently, the only way his best friend can think to accomplish this noble goal is to create a reality show to find Ryan a wife (yes, because that has proved so successful for Flava Flav, Bret Michaels and tennis player Mark Philipoussis), and when her sister puts Emma Caulfield’s Charlie into the competition, she goes along with it and soon becomes a fan favorite -- despite saying how “weird” it is, like, all the time! -- but of course, she and Cooper’s Todd fall in love, despite having spent collectively about eight-and-a-half minutes together. I could go on forever about how horrible this movie is, but since it seems unlikely that it will ever see the light of day again, I hope I don’t have to.

JUST FRIENDS
(2005)
Written by: Adam “Tex” Davis
Directed by: Roger Krumble
Starring: Ryan Reynolds
Plays: Berg, Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place/Two Guys and a Girl

True, by the time this film came out, Reynolds was as well known for Van Wilder and similar as he was for his Two Guys and a Girl work, but it was my Berg-love that led me to rent this one on DVD, and thereby inflict its horribleness on my best-friend (who has somehow forgiven me for it, five years later… but only just). I wasn’t even half way through this thing when all I could say was: “Good Lord, when will it end?” Essentials? Reynolds is Chris, a stocky teen in love with his best-friend, the lovely Jamie (Amy Smart), but she doesn’t think of him that way. Cut to years later: Chris is slim and successful, and returns home to woo his first love. After that… it’s all too horrible for words. Not that Reynolds, Smart, and also the very funny Anna Faris, don’t do perfectly well in their roles. It’s just that the script is abysmal. Really, I’m getting squicked out even thinking about this movie right now. AVOID.

MAD ABOUT MAMBO
(2000)
Written by: John Forte
Directed by: John Forte
Starring: Keri Russell
Plays: Felicity Porter, Felicity

You know what? I’m not even going to complain here about Keri Russell’s attempt at an Irish accent. No, it’s not exactly what you’d call great -- about on a par with Chris O’Donnell’s valiant effort in Circle of Friends, I’d say -- but this movie has far larger crosses to bear than mere language issues. One problem, I think, is that it just doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it a Coming of Age drama? A comedy? A dance movie? An exploration of the class divide in modern Ireland? Or of the religious divide in war-torn Belfast? It doesn’t know, and nor do we. But the main problem I have with this production is that the makers of a movie entitled Mad About Mambo apparently have no idea what mambo is. Even the most casual viewer of So You Think You Can Dance would be able to tell, nowadays, that Latin dances are very distinct, and that you can’t call one a Mambo when it is, in fact, the Samba. And stop saying mambo is from Brazil, movie! Eejits!