Chronicles of a Reluctant Reviewer, Part 1

Once upon a time, there was a reviewer. He enjoyed his life and his job, writing articles for a kickass online magazine. He was able to choose interesting books to read and review. But one day, at the last company picnic (team Buffy almost won the volleyball match. That last shot was out, darn it!) he was handed a new task from The Powers That Be. A task to review the forthcoming novel Ward against Death, first in the series Chronicles of a Reluctant Necromancer. He wondered if he heard snickering when being handed this assignment, but he was probably imagining it.

Our reviewer soon discovered that the book was a supernatural romance novel. The type he doesn't read. The type he prefers to ignore the existence of. The type he gets taunted by. So while his lawyer was poring over his contract (signed in crayon, naturally) looking for sub-clauses to help him get out of it, he jumped right in.

The book started out quickly, showing much promise. Young necromancer Ward de Ath (get it? his last name is "Death"!) is hired to briefly wake recently deceased Celia so that her family can say goodbye. But upon her re-joining the world of the living, Celia immediately makes the claim that she was murdered, decides she needs to solve said murder, and leaps out the window, taking Ward with her ('cause you never know when having a necromancer around will come in handy). Celia and Ward are thus on the run in an attempt to solve not only the mystery of her murder, but the greater mystery of how to get along.

Our reviewer thus learned that necromancers know as much about women as he does. He wasn't sure what to make of that information.

Our intrepid reviewer was also not entirely sure who the intended audience for this book is. Amazon claims that the book is not a Young Adult novel, but instead a YA cross-over. Our reviewer doesn't know what that is. Our reviewer was confused. Celia turns out to be a member of the Assassin's Guild, accomplished, skilled, and suave, and not afraid to seduce when necessary. Ward is confident in his intelligence. And... that's about it. From our reviewer's limited experience and knowledge, most supernatural romances (or all romances, perhaps) feature romantic male leads who are dark, mysterious, and dangerous (occasionally sparkling, apparently). Or tall, handsome, popular, and perfect. Ward is none of these things. Our reviewer assumed that the majority of supernatural romance readers are female, and he wondered what this target audience would think of the Ward.

Being a hermit of the mad-scientist variety, the reviewer did not really know what to make of the romance, so instead focused on the supernaturalism inherent in the book. Which he found lacking. He pondered that word choice for a bit before deciding that 'lacking' is probably not accurate, but instead 'subtle' would fit better. Despite being a necromancer, Ward does not perform all that much necromancy. Hints and comments are made about other supernatural abilities in other characters, but not elaborated on. The most blatant things are found from the evil necromancer antagonist (yes, there is an evil necromancer. Isn't there always?!) but those are still relatively few and far between. Our reviewer decided that this was a stylistic choice, but was still disappointed.

After writing that last statement, having given up on finding an escape clause in his contract (he continually got lost in the legalese surrounding the dress code: pirate costumes cannot be worn immediately following the wearing of a ninja costume, unless one had been dressed as a shepherdess within the previous week? What?), the reviewer realized that this statement summed up his thoughts on the book as a whole. It wasn't bad, by any means. He was just not the audience. If The Powers That Be had hoped to convert him to a hardcore supernatural romance reader, this was not the book to accomplish that incredibly lofty goal.

The thought hit the reviewer that using terms like "hardcore" and "romance" together as he had done in the previous sentence could conceivably be taken in multiple ways. The reviewer is amused at this.

The reviewer decided that while he cannot quite recommend the book, he also has no reason to dissuade others from reading it. Reading and reviewing this book did not suck out a portion of the reviewer's soul, and he could envisage others liking it. Will the reviewer read the sequel? He has no plans to do so, but comprehends that this might change if his own nefarious plan to discover leverage against the Powers That Be fails to come to fruition. He grew resigned to the fact that future supernatural romances will be assigned to him.

The reviewer sighed, while holding out hope that future books will be as inoffensive as Ward against Death.

The end. For now.

   -- K. Burtt