Feature-length Science Fiction animation has proven problematic for pretty much every studio that has attempted it over the past couple of decades. Let’s look at the list of non-starters: Final Fantasy. Titan A. E. Delgo. Meet the Robinsons. Treasure Planet. Battle for Terra. Even 2009’s valiant efforts, the dystopian splendor of 9 and the cleverly subversive genius of Planet 51, were unable to make much of an impact; the year before, the original Space Chimps (a big personal favorite) also failed to resonate.

Compared to Mars Needs Moms, even the almost wholly horrible Space Chimps 2 looks like the critically-acclaimed wonders of The Iron Giant and Wall-E combined.

What a deeply, irredeemably pointless movie.

Our story centers on a whiny kid named Milo (Seth Green, sounding nothing like himself) who, after a fight with his mother (Joan Cusack) wherein he tells her he’s be better off without her, finds her being abducted by aliens. He gives chase, hitches a ride on their spaceship, and discovers himself on Mars. He meets there fellow Earthling Gribbler (Dan Fogler), who acts as Milo’s guide and mission support as he attempts to infiltrate the alien citadel and rescue his mother from ruthlessly efficient Martian control. Apparently our near neighbors on the Red Planet monitor our doings closely, and take unto themselves any mothers who display a particularly fine control of their progeny -- whether this is to be taken as a compliment or as a swipe at consistent, decent parenting is unclear.

(Gribbler has inexplicably survived in hiding on Mars for at least a decade, by the way, after also pursuing his abducted mother up there. I mean, WHAT. THE. HELL?)

Milo meets a young alien dissident called Ki (Elisabeth Harnois) -- who illicitly learned English from 60’s television and so calls things “heavy” and “psychedelic” and such -- and the two eventually join forces, along with Gribble, to try to rescue Mom and…

You know what? They do. Some other stuff happens before then, including an almost-death scene, but it’s all so tiresome that I seriously don’t have the interest or energy to go into it. Suffice it to say: you probably won’t care either.

In case you’re unaware, I am ordinarily a big proponent of animated features. There are few I haven’t seen -- and even fewer I have enjoyed less than this outlandish and yet uncommonly boring tale. The animation renders human faces beautifully, but is otherwise unremarkable; the voice performances are decent, but not especially noteworthy (Dan Fogler -- Hutch, from Fanboys -- just seems to be channeling Jack Black); there is awkward sexual tension between Gribbler and alien Ki that just doesn’t belong here at all; and the heavy-handed messages of family, freedom and friendship are irritating, at best. There’s also some kind of a twisted portrayal of militant feminism thing going on as well, and that is just never a good time.

Avoid this one, people. And instead, seek out the campy 1960’s B-movie Mars Needs Women. It’s not really for kids (since it could lead to all kinds of uncomfortable questions as to why the women are so desperately needed) but at least it won’t give the next generation a disgust of sci-fi, as I can only imagine this ill-explained and poorly-executed excuse for such is liable to do.

   -- Rachel Hyland