When you really think about it, if ever you have occasion to do so, working in covert ops must be such a dirty, depressing job. All the lying, the sneaking, the cynicism. The lying. There’s killing people and destabilising governments and delving deep within your own reservoirs of cruelty and arrogance in order to endear yourself to the bad guys. Sometimes, it’s hard to even tell who the bad guys are. Then, of course, there are the occupational hazards like getting shot and endangering the ones you love and being framed for war crimes and such. Sure, there are cool cars and clothes and often plenty of tax payer-funded travel to exotic locales thrown in as part of the benefits package, but what good is all of that when you can’t even tell people your real name half the time?

’Cause of the lying.

Despite what might be the irksome realities of the job, however, who amongst us hasn’t secretly wondered what it might be like to be a spy? To be an operative of any kind, really. To be Bond or Emma Peel, Alex Rider or hell, even Austen Powers? (And those are just some of the British ones.) What might it be like to live the life of Ethan Hunt, Sydney Bristow or Jack Bauer; of Jett Jackson, Kim Possible or the Code Name: Kids Next Door? To be one of Section One’s hottest, or CONTROL’s most accident-prone; to be a man from U.N.C.L.E. or an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.? To belong to the CIA, FBI, NSA, MI-5 or any other alphabet soup combination?

Which may be why we’re so endlessly fascinated with the seedy underbelly and glamorous -- wait, is there an overbelly? -- inhabited by these enigmatic, resourceful, damaged and seductive scions of assorted agencies, along with their many allies, enemies and lovers. (Well, except maybe for the Agents Bloom from Undercovers. Viewing figures showed that we were unfascinated by them in droves.) Here, we give you a glimpse into the classified dossiers on some of the intelligence community’s current top assets, and send you on your own mission: to secure some truly top level entertainment.

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TO: Agent Reader, AKA "Geek Speaker"
FROM: The mysterious and benevolent Drs. K and R, AKA “The Editors”
MISSION: Stake out -- observe and report

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TARGET 1: Sterling Archer
PROJECT NAME: Archer
AFFILIATION: ISIS (International Secret Intelligence Service)
KNOWN ALIAS: H. Jon Benjamin
CODENAME: "Duchess"
BRIEFING MATERIALS: Archer, Season 1, on DVD and Blu-ray; Thursdays at 10/9 C on F/X.
SAMPLE WIRETAP RECORDING:

CYRIL:	I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday.
ARCHER:	Err... neat.
CYRIL:	Guess what we call it?
ARCHER:	Stir-Friday?
CYRIL:	[pause] Wow, that's actually better...
	-- “Mole Hunt” (01.01)

TARGET DETAILS: Reports are that Archer is obsessed with sex, booze, being right and coming up with the perfect line; he also has an odd relationship with his mother. Reports are inconclusive on how successful he is as a secret agent. He seems to switch between being completely incompetent and incredibly successful. All reports agree that he is quite hilarious. Agent Reader, you must stay on your toes.

BACKGROUND: Little is known about how Archer became an agent for ISIS, though our assumptions are that it is solely due to the choices his mother made. Pay close attention, Agent Reader, and try to discover further information.

DEEP BACKGROUND: The minds behind Archer and his spy escapades have previously been on our radar as intelligence reports indicate they were the minds behind many members of the infamous "Adult Swim" crew, such as Sealab 2021 and Frisky Dingo, as well as involvement (voice work) with other members of the crew such as Dr. Katz and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Another influence on Archer and his associates is the famed Arrested Development. Awareness of the humor involved in each of these will help give an idea as to what to expect while staking out Archer.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES: Lana, Archer's partner and ex-girlfriend, an incredibly competent (and hot) ISIS agent. Cyril, insecure ISIS comptroller who also suffers from sexual addiction. Pam, HR director and office gossip (who also really wants to hook up with someone in the office. Anyone. No takers.). Executive Secretary codenamed "Cheryl" - we say codenamed, as her name seems to change at whim. What is confirmed, however, is her predilection for erotic asphyxiation. And finally, the director of ISIS, Malory Archer, the target's mother. Her chosen missions for her agents usually seem to have ulterior motives, she seems to like sleeping with the directors of competing agencies, and her parenting style explains a lot about Sterling Archer.

PROFICIENCIES: All types of weaponry, and standard spy abilities of sneaking into supposedly well-secured locations. Reports are inconclusive, however, as to if this latter point is more due to Archer’s skill, or more due to the incompetencies of the security surrounding those locations. Archer’s best proficiency seems to be his skill at removing evidence of dead hookers.

WARNINGS: You must use extreme caution when observing Archer, Agent Reader. He and his associates are rude, crude, racist, and raunchy -- absurdly so. Be prepared as well, as there is quite a lot of sex, as you may imagine from the people who work at ISIS. But the biggest danger with this mission is the hilarity found within the walls of ISIS and everything that surrounds the target. Don't let laughter distract you from the mission!

FINAL THOUGHTS: It would be best, Agent Reader, to continue the stake-out for the foreseeable future. We have had reports that several themes seem to reappear at random times, "running jokes", if you will. Becoming familiar with these will help us gain information in the long run. And if you can figure out how ISIS even stays in business despite the obvious dysfunctionality of its employees, all the better.

LAST KNOWN LOCATION: F/X
NEXT PROJECTED SIGHTING: Thursday nights until the end of the current second season, which will end April 14..

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TARGET 2: Michael Westen
PROJECT NAME: Burn Notice
AFFILIATION: CIA (blacklisted)
KNOWN ALIAS: Jeffrey Donovon
CODENAME: "Mikey"
BRIEFING MATERIALS: Burn Notice, Seasons 1, 2, and 3 DVD; Season 4 DVD release, to be announced. (In addition, there are four Burn Notice novels, with a fifth releasing this July...)
SAMPLE WIRETAP RECORDING:

FIONA:	I miss your FBI detail. They were really kind of sweet.
MICHAEL:	The Feds were errand boys. But these guys, on the other hand, might actually know something useful.
FIONA:	Honestly, I don't know why they bother. They should just put a bullet in your head and be done with it.
MICHAEL:	Apparently, I'm more valuable alive than dead. But I'm sure they'll take it under advisement.
FIONA:	You think they're listening?
	-- “Unpaid Debts” (01.06)

TARGET DETAILS: Our files indicate that former CIA Agent Michael Westen is immaculately dressed, well-favored, and possessed of great personal charm. He makes allies easily and inspires loyalty in his colleagues and subordinates; he is known to make a very good friend, and a very powerful enemy. His intellect is first rate, his abilities honed over decades of high level and often sensitive operations, and his coolness under pressure is just one of his many, many strengths. Other observed data: he really loves yogurt, and is very hard on his automobiles.

BACKGROUND: Once considered one of The Agency’s finest solo operatives, Westen’s record indicates that he was in fact responsible for some of the most heinous crimes in our long history. Despite his own protestations of innocence since, along with those of several key personnel, his file was so full of shady dealings and casual slaughter of civilians that it revealed a sociopath of the first order. He was blacklisted during an op and, having survived the initial attempts to neutralise him, was confined to his hometown of Miami, Florida. With his assets frozen, his job prospects scarce, and a long career’s worth of dangerous foes doubtless gunning for him, it was not thought that Westen would long survive. Reports state that he has managed to do so by taking up with some of South Florida’s most notorious crime lords and conmen; although none of these individuals appear to have benefited from their association with the target -- many of whom actually find themselves imprisoned after having allowed Westen into their lives -- it is worth noting that the target rarely seems to operate inside the law, and has set himself up as something of a “Robin Hood” throughout the four years of his exile.

DEEP BACKGROUND: Project Burn Notice’s puppet master, Matt Nix, is also known to have been a major player in the short-lived experimental protocol known as The Good Guys, which ran for one too-short season on FOX in 2010. Westen’s alter-ego, Jeffrey Donovan, is well known to us as Kyle, brother of The Pretender’s Jarod (whom The Center at Blue Cove is still seeking with extreme prejudice). Other known faces: Gabrielle Anwar, whose impressive body of work goes back to Press Gang and who is neither American nor Irish, despite her cover identities; Sharon Gless, of Cagney and Lacey and Queer as Folk fame; and The Chin, Bruce Campbell, who needs no further explanation.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES: Samuel “Sam” Axe (Campbell), a former Navy Seal who is reported to be a lover of rich, lonely women and imported beer (not necessarily in that order). Having served honourably in the Special Forces, Axe now makes his home in Miami, where he is inextricably entangled in every elaborate scheme perpetrated by the target. Additionally, known IRA terrorist, small arms dealer and explosives expert Fiona “Fi” Glenanne (Anwar) is believed to be romantically attached to the target, although the nature of their relationship remains tempestuous and prone to abrupt terminations -- and escalations. Westen is also believed to have drawn former CIA analyst Jesse Porter (Coby Bell) into his cabal; his mother, Madeline “Maddy” Westen (Gless) and brother Nathaniel “Nate” Westen (Seth Peterson) are also on our watch list.

PROFICIENCIES: Target displays advanced hand-to-hand skills and expert marksmanship, as well as a vast knowledge of weaponry, tactics and strategy. He is one of the best improvisational operatives we have ever seen, as well as being unparalleled in the field of undercover work. Westen is a keen observer and it is believed he has much to teach in the ways of spycraft; before the issue of his burn notice, he was being considered for a potential role at the CIA’s training facility, should he have survived to retirement.

WARNINGS: Westen’s inimitable style make him an easy object of hero-worship; agents should be wary of becoming too attached to the target and his chosen companions, and of becoming sympathetic to his cause and to his claims of moral superiority.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Although there may come to be evidence enough to exonerate Westen of all charges, we believe it behoves us to keep a close eye on him and his associates. The fact that he has been acting without a government mandate for so long makes him a potential rogue element that would be a threat to both national security and our Agency’s standing. If there is one thing he has proven since he was relieved of duty, it is that you do not want to be Michael Westen’s hit list.

LAST KNOWN LOCATION: USA Network
NEXT PROJECTED SIGHTING: Season 5 of Burn Notice is set to premiere this Summer.
 

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TARGET 3: Chuck Bartowski
PROJECT NAME: Chuck
AFFILIATION: Joint NSA/CIA Taskforce, AKA Team Bartowski
KNOWN ALIAS: Zachary Levi
CODENAME: "Charles Carmichael"
BRIEFING MATERIALS: Chuck, Seasons 1, 2 and 3 on DVD and Blu-ray; Chuck Season 4, currently airing on NBC. (There is also a Chuck comic, collected as a TPB.)
SAMPLE WIRETAP RECORDING:

CHUCK:	What are we doing for tunes tonight? I can make a stakeout mix!
	-- “Chuck vs. the Sizzling Shrimp” (01.05)

TARGET DETAILS: We have had Charles "Chuck" Bartowski under surveillance for the past 4 years, but further observation is necessary. We have learned that Chuck seems to have a full-on spy computer in his head giving him both knowledge, intel, and even skills useful by the CIA. As his cover, he works at the large electronics store Buy More (Agent Reader, you must resist the urge to buy more at the Buy More. Do not get distracted from your mission!). Reports are mixed on how skilled of a spy the target is without the integrated computer (Intel believes that computer to be called "The Intersect"), but he does seem to be a genuinely nice guy. Reports are also that he does not kill unless absolutely necessary. That is what the rest of his team are for (see "Known Associates"). Agent Reader, your main mission for this target is to determine how successful Chuck at his team are at their spy missions, as these missions all seem to be an interesting and fun mix of humor and spy thrills.

BACKGROUND: Near as our intel analysts can determine, Bartowski’s development as a spy, and the integration of the “Intersect” into his mind, is due to the interference by his former roommate, and known (to us) CIA agent, Bryce Larkin (Matt Bomer). Originally unable to remove the Intersect, the CIA and NSA decided to utilize this asset as best they can and formed Team Bartowski. The Intersect was upgraded after a few years, allowing for Chuck to have spy-like skills to go along with his database of intel knowledge.

DEEP BACKGROUND: Working behind the scenes for the target, directing his missions, is a relative newcomer in the area of covert operations, Josh Schwartz. We are have thusfar been unable to determine how the mind behind such operations as The O.C. and Gossip Girl has been able to translate this to a successful, albeit relatively small, clandestine operation. The actors within this operation are also relative newcomers, but do have some past experience within the Hollywood Underground (i.e. "other TV shows"), such as Less than Perfect, Saved by the Bell: The New Class, and, most importantly, Firefly.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES: The target's team includes Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski), the hot spy with a lot of undercover experience (reports are that she and Chuck are currently gaining another kind of undercover experience) and John Casey (Adam Baldwin), a military sniper and agent with the NSA, who has mastered the art of the glower. Reports also claim, though it seems a tad preposterous, that Bartowski's best friend and fellow Buy-Moreian, Morgan Grimes (Joshua Gomez), is somehow attached to the team. If so, that would make Morgan one of the smallest and least intimidating spies ever. Mixed in with the various spy missions undertaken, usually inadvertently, are several other workers at the Buy More as well as Chuck's family -- his surgeon sister Ellie (Sarah Lancaster) and her husband Dr. Devon Woodcomb, aka "Captain Awesome" (Ryan McPartlin). Note: we do not have a record of a Captain Awesome in any of the military databases we have access to (which should be all. If not, I'm going to have to have serious words with our tech department). As a side mission, Agent Reader, try to determine where this "Devon" earned his rank and who exactly he works for.

PROFICIENCIES: While utilizing the power of the intersect, Bartowski can gain specific intel on people or items simply by looking at them (if intel has been gained on the subject to begin with), as well as access a variety of spy sneaking-and-fighting skills. Even without the intersect, Chuck is quite skilled at video games, so you must stick to the mission, Agent Reader, as much as you would want to challenge the target at Call of Duty or Rock Band. He will beat you, and it will reflect poorly on us. Stick to the mission!

WARNINGS: Do not be fooled by the appearance and personality of this Target, Agent Reader. Charles "Chuck" Bartowski looks and acts just like you and I (well, it would be how I look and act if I weren't so awesomely secret and cool being the shadowy figure giving you your missions)… that is, a geek. He is very good at this cover. You must be prepared to deal with the combination of geek and spy that Chuck and his team represent. Failing to do so, Agent, will be, in the vernacular, an epic fail.

FINAL THOUGHTS: There are reportedly only a few options left to observe this Target this year, Agent Reader, so take full advantage of the opportunities. Reports are that funding for Chuck's agency may be pulled and if that happens, we may lose our ability to observe his actions at all. Pay close attention now and perhaps that will not happen.

LAST KNOWN LOCATION: NBC
NEXT PROJECTED SIGHTING: Mondays, 8/7 C, with the fourth season finale, “Chuck Versus the Cliffhanger” slated to air May 16, 2011.

Ahead: Covert Affairs, Fringe, Nikita and White Collar...