They don’t have sex.

Whatever else you may be looking for in L.L. Foster’s Servant trilogy, you are to know that by the end of Book 2, The Acceptance, hardened (but scorching hot) cop Luther Cross and similarly hardened (but achingly vulnerable, or so we’re told) “paladin” Gabrielle Cody have not yet managed to seal the deal. Luther does make it to third base in a parking lot about halfway through the book, but if you’re looking for anything beyond that, you’re going to come away as frustrated as poor Luther.

“But we’re no perverts!” I hear Geek Speak’s readers wail in righteous indignation. “We look for more than just sex (or, okay, third base) in our paranormal romance/urban fantasy/hardcore steam! We want a gripping plot, characters we can root for, a terrifying villain, and lyrical writing, too!” To which I reply: Look elsewhere. This book has none of those things. It does , however, have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of problems.

Oh, where to start. Product of a traumatic childhood, Gaby is a paladin, one of God’s chosen warriors on earth. When evil is afoot, she is gripped with horrible pain until she finds and dispenses with the perpetrator. (That she is gifted with speed, strength, and healing ability well beyond the norm should go without saying.) She also reads auras and perceives angels, which is sort of interesting, I guess. In her spare time, she’s the super-secret anonymous author of a hugely popular series of graphic novels in which she chronicles her many adventures.

A recent adventure has been her on-again, off-again relationship with Luther. Luther appears to love her, but of course that makes her nervous (see: Childhood, traumatic), so when she’s not making out with him she’s pushing him away, usually with as little tact or class as possible.

As our story begins, Gaby has appointed herself protector of a group of prostitutes (do they all have hearts of gold? Of course they do!) and is spending most of her time arguing with supafly pimp Jimbo (seriously, Ms. Foster?) and keeping the more brutal johns in line when she discovers that a sadistic serial killer (as opposed to, you know, a nice serial killer) is preying on society’s outcasts. She vows to kill the creep before he kills again. Cop Luther is on the case, but Gaby is OutsideThe Law and has her own way of doing things.

The first of many issues I had with this book is that Gaby herself just isn’t that interesting or even that likable. Other characters repeatedly tell her how “capable” and intelligent she is or muse over her vulnerability and goodness of heart, even as she’s verbally abusing them. But the Gaby I encountered is insufferably rude to the people who are kind to her, sullen, obnoxious, coarse, and self-pitying. Yes, she’s had rather a tough go of things, but I never once thought “poor damaged thing” when reading about her numerous travails. I thought “asshole” more than once, however.

Then we have Luther. If they make this into a TV series, Eliza Dushku will have to play Gaby (this is not a compliment, coming from me) and Luther will be portrayed by Paul Walker. Marc Blucas, maybe. Somebody blandly pretty and personality-free. The plot requires him to have rock-hard abs and a smoldering (yet explosive) temper, so he does; otherwise, he spends most of his time worrying about and/or arguing with Gaby. “Someday, we will make love, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.” “I don’t think so, cop.” “Dammit Gaby! Why won’t you just work with me?” “F—you.” Etc.

The plot is pretty by-the-numbers, although there’s a minor twist involving the serial killer at the end that almost rises to the level of interesting. In terms of the writing itself, it’s clear that Foster’s editor, if in fact such a one exists, really fell down on the job. Plainly put, Foster loves her fifty-cent words. Gaby works on her latest masterpiece – in which she depicts herself as a “haphazard hooker” – “with a near electric ebullience. The pages disembogued…” Someone watches Gaby “with nocent intent.” Night falls “with atramentous gravity.” Luther “emblematized a desperate craving for normalcy.” Keep in mind that this is all within two pages; there’s plenty more where that came from.

Now, while I think it’s great that Foster has such a spiffy vocabulary and I can’t altogether blame her for wanting to trot it out, this isn’t the sort of language that Gaby (whose lack of formal education is emphasized repeatedly), Luther, prostitutes, cops, graphic artists, serial killers whose name isn’t Hannibal Lecter, or in fact anyone whose job isn’t developing the “Verbal” section of the SAT would ever be likely to use. There’s a serious disconnect between the style (short, choppy sentences; brief paragraphs), the characters, the subject matter, and the language. And what’s more, she often uses those big words, well, incorrectly. (A “haphazard hooker?” What does that even mean?) Not completely incorrectly. She’s usually in the ballpark; she doesn’t call a tornado a parakeet or anything like that, and you can usually kind of see what she’s going for. But if you’re going to fling words like “atramentous” at your audience, you’d best have a pretty good reason, and here just there isn’t one. There are a few authors who can get by with that sort of thing because they’re just that good -- Mark Helprin springs to mind – but Foster’s not one of them. In The Acceptance, she’s trying too hard, and to what purpose, it’s hard to tell, as the story would have been much better served had she dialed it back a notch.

Admittedly, I jumped right into Volume 2 of a trilogy, so it’s possible, indeed likely, that I’ve missed out on some important backstory. Perhaps it was established in Book 1 that in addition to being a super popular (if top secret) graphic novelist, Gaby also produces an enormously successful line of word-a-day calendars. Maybe in Book 3 Luther grows a personality and Gaby actually decides to try being polite to someone, you know, just to see what happens. Maybe The Acceptance is the weak link in an otherwise kickass series. I’m willing to entertain the possibility. But life is short, and I’m not willing to read the other books to find out for sure.


   -- Kate Nagy