THE TOP 13… PARANORMAL ROMANCE CLICH
Why The Top 13?
Sure, there’s Saturn 3, Babylon 5, Blake’s 7 and District 9. But what number could be geekier than 13? Not only is there its inherent creepiness, but there’s also The 13th Immortal, The 13th Warrior and The 13th Floor. There’s spooky gore-fest Friday the 13th and those plucky, kick-ass comic book kids, Gen13. There’s Warehouse 13, The X-Files' oft-referenced 1013, and the 13 tribes of Kobol. Plus, the Munsters lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. So, we at Geek Speak Magazine bring you the Top 13 of... well, whatever strikes our fancy.
Just be glad we didn’t elect to go with The Top 1701...
Sure, there’s Saturn 3, Babylon 5, Blake’s 7 and District 9. But what number could be geekier than 13? Not only is there its inherent creepiness, but there’s also The 13th Immortal, The 13th Warrior and The 13th Floor. There’s spooky gore-fest Friday the 13th and those plucky, kick-ass comic book kids, Gen13. There’s Warehouse 13, The X-Files' oft-referenced 1013, and the 13 tribes of Kobol. Plus, the Munsters lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. So, we at Geek Speak Magazine bring you the Top 13 of... well, whatever strikes our fancy.
Just be glad we didn’t elect to go with The Top 1701...
Another Valentine’s Day has just passed us by, and so our thoughts turn to romance here at Geek Speak. Specifically, paranormal romance. Of course, the Paranormal Romance genre encompasses a multitude of vastly differing subgenres, covering a wide variety of prose style, biting humor and levels of nakedness, and there is no one specific characteristic that one can look at and say, hey! There it is! Paranormal Romance!
But you know it when you see it.
For example, a big favorite of ours, Sharon Lee and Steve Miller’s space opera-ific Liaden Universe®, is chock full of delicious interstellar love, some of which definitely fits into the spectrum of PR, if only because some of those Liadens are magic! (And take life mates. Likewise the Heralds of Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar.) Urban Fantasy of the Anita Blake, October Daye and Kitty Norville type very often qualifies, as does Paranormal Chick Lit (think Stephanie Plum with fangs/a tail/mage ability/etc.). In addition, Young Adult offerings like The Vampire Diaries, The Fallen and – of course -- Twilight all fall into this category, as do those best-selling Time Travel Romances by the likes of Diana Gabaldon, Lynn Kurland and Karen Marie Moning, which very frequently involve a trip to ye auld Scotland -- no one quite knows why.
Herewith, four aficionados of the genre present the Top 13 most obvious aspects of almost every Paranormal Romance. A book would not have to incorporate every item on this list to make the grade, but if it doesn’t adhere to at least half of these rules (and very likely more) then it just isn’t Paranormal Romance. That is all.
1. The Virgin...If it’s a paranormal romance, chances are pretty good that there’s at least one virgin in the mix. Or, if not a virgin in the technical sense, someone who has never particularly enjoyed sex and may even think she (usually she) might be gay; then she meets the hero and suddenly they’re getting their freak on all over town. The Deflowering is usually transcendent, even when it involves (ptui) “forcible seduction,” and the hero is always -- always – hung like a sperm whale.
EXAMPLES: In Dark Lover, the spicy first installment of J. R. Ward’s Black Dagger Brotherhood series, heroine Beth is kind of blah on the whole sex thing… until she meets a centuries-old blind vampire named Wrath, whose own WIFE is a virgin, because it was a marriage of convenience and Wrath never truly desired her. Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse was a virgin before a vampire moved into her small Louisiana town. And then there’s L.L. Foster’s Servant trilogy. Despite having grown up on the mean streets (the streets of shame, yo), twenty-something anti-heroine Gabrielle needs her prostitute friends to explain the mechanics of sex to her, and thereupon spends at least two books Not Doing It with the hero. Sometimes these things can get a bit ridiculous.
EXCEPTIONS:
Although you do -- particularly in vampire-oriented series, for
some reason -- run across the odd experienced woman of the world
(see, for example, Katie MacAlister’s Dark Ones books… the
non-YA ones, anyway) -- “exceptions” are less common than
“variations on a theme.” Once in a while the dude is the virgin;
for example, in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander, no one
really knows what's under strapping Scotsman Jamie Fraser's
kilt until he and the more experienced Claire are forced into
marriage. On rare occasions -- Twilight -- they both
are. (Evidently, despite the fact that he looks just like Robert
Pattinson, Edward has barely even kissed a girl. We ask you.) An
interesting twist is found in Lover Awakened, another
Black Dagger book: vampire warrior Zsadist’s sexual history is
fraught with trauma, and although he is no virgin he has never,
um, experienced the fullness of physical union with a female of
worth. So the lovely Bella tenderly initiates him. It’s very
sweet.It bears mentioning that it’s pretty typical for a virgin in a paranormal romance to go from perfect innocence to outright S&M naughtiness over the space of a few pages. Returning once more to the Black Dagger series -- a well that never runs dry -- vampire Phury is celibate until he’s declared Primale of his race, meaning that it’s basically his job to impregnate as many females as possible. Which brings us to...
2. ... and the Whore
Men. They’re only after One Thing. At least that’s what our fathers always told us. Of course, romance novels, particularly of the paranormal type, help keep that stereotype alive. Because the men, they are always going after The Sex. Of course, as we learn, they are more than likely to be going after sex, not love, because they have never known love until now! Poor things!
There are lots of excuses given as to why our heroes also get to moonlight as the Sultans of Slutistan. Maybe boys will be boys, and the lords go a-wenchin’ instead of a-leapin’. Often they’ve been alive for centuries, and one must pass the time somehow. Or maybe it’s the culture, or their pack rule, or maybe it’s just because they’ve never had to worry about accountability or STDs. The best excuse in the Paranormal Romance genre, however, is that they “need it.” Not in the way that boy told you about when you were 17, but really! They need it for their magic, to tame their powers, or for some other unfathomable supernatural reason.
EXAMPLES: Sookies’ Bill Compton and Eric Northman are of the “boys will be boys” variety; Jennifer St. Giles’s Shadowmen are some very frisky wolves; and there can be no doubt that Christine Feehan’s Carpathians are very, very experienced in the boudoir. D. B. Reynolds’s Vampires in
America
are pretty good at what they do (indeed, most vamp guys have a
wicked way with women; perhaps because they have no need of
oxygen?), Larissa Ione’s Demonica books feature demons who use
sex for just about everything, and in the world of Nalini
Singh’s Guild Hunter series, man has that Archangel
Raphael gotten him some play over the millennia. Plus, the third
novel in Vivi Andrews's Karmic Consultants series is called
The Sexorcist. Sheesh. EXCEPTIONS: In Kresley Cole’s Immortals After Dark books, it’s the chicks who’ve done the whorin’, and the guys who Did Not Know It Could Be Like This. Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake needs to have sex with anything that moves to feed her magic (though in the early accounts of her exploits, she was remarkably prim), and Merry Gentry, likewise. Also, in Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel series, Phedre starts out as a prostitute while her partner Jocelyn comes from a celibate order of warriors.
3. The Eyes Have ItIn a paranormal romance, nobody has merely blue eyes. They may have violet, turquoise or cerulean eyes, or their eyes may evoke a robin’s egg. Or the color may be “startling.” The hero’s eyes are almost always “fathomless,” “piercing,” or “deep.” “Obsidian” is also a favorite eye color among PR writers, being just a little less obvious than “midnight.”
EXAMPLES: In Katie MacAlister’s Zen and the Art of Vampires, Kristoff and Alec’s eyes are described as “teal” (teal?) and “jade,” respectively. Edward Cullen’s eyes get a lot of play in the Twilight series, being variously described as resembling “topaz” and “warm butterscotch.” His eyes also can change color -- they turn black when he’s thirsty, and if he were to slake that thirst by imbibing warm, delicious blood, they would turn not red but “burgundy.” Lynsay Sands’s Argeneau Vampire eyes are silver, and Chloe Neill’s Chicagoland Vampire eyes turn silver when they’re cranky. In the latest Immortals After Dark book, Dreams of a Dark Warrior, heroine Regin has “eyes like amber cast in sun.” And so forth.
EXCEPTIONS: Few and far between, although Black Dagger Brother Wrath, King of the Vampires, is going blind, so he wears wraparound sunglasses all over the place, the better to see in low-light situations, we guess. He’s just that cool.
4. Predestined Soulmates of
DestinySure, it’s nice to be loved for your charm, wit and particular brand of beauty. It’s lovely to build a relationship based on mutual interests, respect and sense of humor. It’s always nice to know that your unique qualities are beloved, and that you, as a whole person, are valued and adored… but, screw it. It’s better to be the object of some kind of supernatural, unbidden, unwelcome and yet irresistible compulsion that MAKES SOME HOT GUY LOVE YOU. At least, according to the writers of Paranormal Romance.
Yes, the legacy of Mr. Darcy’s reluctant love for the unsuitable Elizabeth Bennet is alive and well in the PR ranks. Vampire romance is very prone to this particular trope, but werewolves, the fae, fallen angels and even witches have some of this going on. It’s not just
that our hero and heroine are each other’s
“The One”, they are cosmically, mystically entwined on some
deep, unfathomable level and they have no say in it at all. Can
you say “arranged marriage”? EXAMPLES: Argeneau Vampires hanker after their “true life mates”, the boys of the Black Dagger Brotherhood, likewise. The Carpathians can only be saved by their destined lovers, and, of course, there’s Twilight. Vampire Sinclair was the long prophesied consort of the Queen of the Vampyres, Betsy Taylor, in the MaryJanice Davidson series, and in the recent Unearthly by Cynthia Hand, angelic Clara has a vision of teenaged Christian and simply must go to him. Then, of course, there are all of those modern day career women who find themselves transported back to feudal Scotland to become some Laird’s mistress because their soulmates were pulling them there... sucks to be them.
EXCEPTIONS: Yeah. Right.
5. Badass, With a Great AssSometimes, when a woman first sees a truly beautiful man it’s like taking a sledgehammer to the head. Even the thinking girl can be stunned into silence, just standing there toying with a strand of hair and completely forgetting to breathe. Luckily, that kind of thing doesn’t happen too often in real life. Except in Paranormal Romance, it happens all the time. One would think that the earth was teeming with all sorts of men who are the epitome of awe-inspiring, mouth-watering, panty-dropping hotness. In addition, of course, to being some form of all-powerful creature out of myth and legend. So you have were-beasts with silken hair and tightly muscled bodies, vampires with perfect profiles and auras of dangerous sensuality, and steely-eyed yet compassionate warriors with bodies David Beckham would envy.
Additionally, not only would Michelangelo be inspired by the hero’s beauty, but he (the hero, that is; not Michelangelo) is strong and powerful, and usually a bit scary. In many of these novels, the women are so intimidated by his rippling muscles that they don’t even appreciate his angelic face until at least a chapter in. But oh, they do respond to the compelling force that his sexuality brings to the table. From the fear, to the lust, and finally to the powerful love, there is no resisting the total package that is the Supernatural Hero.
EXAMPLES:
Anything by Lynn Kurland. Her male characters are like Lake
Woebegone: all are above average in size and hot as hell (Stardust
of Yesterday, the whole dePiaget family in particular).
Stephenie Meyer’s vampire characters are not only the most
beautiful; they glitter like something out of Lisa Frank’s
fantasy land. Even the men love a hot guy, as Robert McCammon’s
novels feature a man that is irresistible -- see The Wolf’s
Hour -- as does the (also male) J. D. Warren’s excellent
World of the Storm Ravens series. Every Carpathian, Dark One,
Prime, Black Dagger Brother and Other (of Christine Warren’s
non-species-specific series) is, to a man, hotter than the
depths of hell they’ve been living in before encountering,
seducing and finally courting their assorted, destined lovers.EXCEPTIONS: In Mercedes Lackey’s Oathbreakers, Jadrek wasn’t so hot, but Kethry loved him anyway. In Stephen King’s Wizard and Glass, Roland is just normally attractive, and very young, but still captures the love of Susan Delgado. Shan yos’Galan, of Liaden fame, is considered pretty homely, especially for one of his race. As you can see, these are a bit outside what could be traditionally described as PR, and that’s because there are practically no other exceptions within the genre. Seriously.
6. You’re Much Too Young
(Girl)Cataracts, dentures, arthritis, hearing loss, gray hair, wrinkles, and (most particularly) erectile dysfunction are rarely issues one encounters in a Paranormal Romance. This is surprising in light of the fact that -- especially in books about vampires -- at least one half of the couple (nearly always the male half) can tell you exactly where he was when Lincoln was assassinated. The female half of such couples is not uncommonly still in her teens, or at least flirting with her teens. We don’t even want to touch what that says about the power dynamics in some of these relationships. Oddly, the news that their lovers are older than the hills is rarely, if ever, specifically acknowledged as a problem for these younger-than-springtime heroines. Sure, our heroine may be barely into her twenties and her suitor may have lived in the age of the dinosaurs, but who cares? Not them, apparently.
Blame it on Buffy.
EXAMPLES: Numerous. Edward is old enough to be Bella’s great-grandpa; Katie MacAlister’s Dark Ones are several centuries old, while their Beloveds are products of the modern age; wizard Falcon has more than a few decades on the lovely Danni in Rachel Carrington’s Timeless Spell. Bill Compton is a veteran of the U.S. Civil war when he meets Sookie Stackhouse in the twenty-first century, and Damon and Stefan have at least that much of an age gap with Elena in The Vampire Diaries. The Black Dagger books turn this trope on its head when human Butch falls for elderly -- very elderly – Marissa, as did Lynsay Sands in her first Argeneau novel, A Quick Bite, when 200+ Lissianna falls for thirty-something
psychologist Greg. But
then both of those guys become vampires, too, so it almost
doesn’t count. EXCEPTIONS: Some PR heroines do manage to find an age-appropriate lover. Vampire Glory St. Claire, for example (from Gerry Bartlett’s series of the same name), has been kicking around for quite a while now, and her on-again off-again boyfriend Jerry is at least in her general age range. Likewise witchy Jazz and vampire Nick -- from Linda Wisdom’s Hex Series -- who have dated for most of three centuries. In Cassandra Clare’s popular Mortal Instruments series, Clary and Jace are both teenagers when they fall in love -- despite thinking that they’re long-lost siblings (!). Finally, it’s worth noting that in the Twilight books, werewolf Jacob is a mere nineteen or twenty years older than his intended, Renesmee, with whom he bonds when she is but a newborn, thereby proving that an age difference alone isn’t always the squickiest twist an author can throw at us.
Continued...
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