THE TOP 13... ROBOTS, MALE DIVISION
Why The Top 13?
Sure, there’s Saturn 3, Babylon 5, Blake’s 7 and District 9. But what number could be geekier than 13? Not only is there its inherent creepiness, but there’s also The 13th Immortal, The 13th Warrior and The 13th Floor. There’s spooky gore-fest Friday the 13th and those plucky, kick-ass comic book kids, Gen13. There’s Warehouse 13, The X-Files' oft-referenced 1013, and the 13 tribes of Kobol. Plus, the Munsters lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. So, we at Geek Speak Magazine bring you the Top 13 of... well, whatever strikes our fancy.
Just be glad we didn’t elect to go with The Top 1701...
Sure, there’s Saturn 3, Babylon 5, Blake’s 7 and District 9. But what number could be geekier than 13? Not only is there its inherent creepiness, but there’s also The 13th Immortal, The 13th Warrior and The 13th Floor. There’s spooky gore-fest Friday the 13th and those plucky, kick-ass comic book kids, Gen13. There’s Warehouse 13, The X-Files' oft-referenced 1013, and the 13 tribes of Kobol. Plus, the Munsters lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. So, we at Geek Speak Magazine bring you the Top 13 of... well, whatever strikes our fancy.
Just be glad we didn’t elect to go with The Top 1701...
The concept of artificial intelligence is both pretty darn exciting and as scary as hell. The idea of A.I. has spawned some of the coolest fictional characters to date. Here we list the best of the best male-esque constructions (with The Top 13… Robots, Female Division -- and possibly a Top 13… Robots, Asexual Division -- forthcoming in a later issue). [Are there even thirteen robots in existence to make up a Bisexual Division? - Ed.].
OUR SELECTION CRITERIA:
This was actually pretty tricky, and after much discussion and debate we settled on a few rules. Well, more “guidelines” than actual rules...
1. Autonomy. The robot character must effectively be able to think for themselves, so a robotic suit (e.g: Iron Man) didn’t cut it. This made a lot of us sad, as it also cut some of the greats from consideration (Voltron, the Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey “Good Robot Us’s”, etc.)
2. For the purposes of this exercise, we’re classifying androids as robots, so shut up, Semantics Police! However…
3. Human parts not included. They needed to be able to function if their human components (if any) were to be removed. For example, Terminators can carry on without their human “skin”; Robocop cannot. So: androids, yes; cyborgs, no. By the same token, a mechanical body in which resides a human consciousness (e.g. Nimue Alban from David Weber’s Safehold series) was likewise disqualified.
4. Mechanics a must. While mythological talking statues, golems, Pinocchio-like puppets and hosts to alien computer entities (e.g. Star Trek: The Motion Picture’s Lt. Ilia, SG-1’s Sam Carter that one time) are often awesome, they cannot be termed robots in the classic sense, and so do not belong on this list.
5. The robot in question must be a single distinct character. The concept of A.I. turning on humankind has been done to death, but the Machines from The Matrix, whilst efficient, were classed as a copout. Also, without a single character to focus our devotion upon, they’re just more appreciated for their cold effectiveness than adored as a personality.
1.
Optimus PrimeTransformers (1984-1987)
Created by: Hasbro
Voiced by: Peter Cullen
Specs: A cab over truck standing on its hind legs... from space!
Status: Immortalized hero
| OPTIMUS PRIME: | Do not grieve. Soon, I shall be one with the Matrix. |
| -- Transformers: The Movie (1986) |
NB: Optimus has seen many incarnations (most recently, in the Michael Bay Transformers movies, which are a cause of vigorous debate between your chroniclers) but we’re just talking the Gen 1 animated series awesomeness here.
Leader of the Autobots, Prime hails from the planet Cybertron. Caught in an endless war against the villainous Decepticons that found its way to Earth, Prime now ensures Earth’s safety, and ensures that Megatron doesn’t steal any Energon cubes.
Rationale: The definitive “gentle giant”, Optimus Prime is just, righteous, fair, and loyal, looking to lead by example. So not only is he the all-American hero, but his hand turns into an axe, he’s a prime mover, and is capable of kicking the most epic proportions of Decepticon butt! Possibly the perfect male role model (and responsible for the moral compass of many children of the 80’s), Optimus Prime could only top our list... after all: “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings”.
HONORABLE TRANSFORMERS MENTION: Jazz (for his cool jive talkin’) and Starscream. Yes, he’s a Decepticon, but also a jetplane with a really great name.
2. R2-D2Star Wars (1977)
Created by: George Lucas
Played by: Kenny Baker
Specs: A little wheeliebin lookalike, but with flashy lights. Height: 0.96 meters. Equipment: buzz saw, electric pike, drinks tray (naturally!), fusion welder, thruster jets, hologram recorder/transmitter.
Status: Who knows? It was a long, long time ago, after all... but his latest appearance in the expanded universe came in the Star Wars: Legacy comic from Dark Horse, which takes place 125 years after Return of the Jedi, and features the exploits of Cade Skywalker and a technologically enhanced R2. (Latest issue: January 5, 2011.)
| C-3PO: | I would much rather have gone with Master Luke than stay here with you. I don't know what all this trouble is about, but I'm sure it must be your fault. |
| Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) |
1. We’re talking the original trilogy version here, frankly because those movies were infinitely more awesome.
2: We shouldn’t really need to go into any detail, but for the sake of consistency:
Travelling with Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) when they come under attack, R2-D2 is given a message and told to seek out Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness: he’s her only hope). Found by a whiny Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), the little robot gets mixed up in everything that happens from then on.
Rationale: If not for this tin can, Luke, Han (Harrison Ford), Leia, Chewy and the remainder of the Rebellion would all be toast. From delivering messages to finding captives to opening doors to fixing hyperdrives, every other major (good character) owes R2-D2 their lives at some point. In arguably the most influential sci-fi series ever made, the robot that could only whistle and beep (and electrocute overzealous droids) was more critical to the plot than many give him credit for.
HONORABLE STAR WARS MENTION: C-3PO. Yes, we know, he’s fussy and self-aggrandizing, but if nothing else he translates R2’s beeps and whistles into proper language, and for that we kind of have to love him.
3. MARVIN THE PARANOID
ANDROIDThe Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (radio play: 1978; book: 1979)
Created by: Douglas Adams
Played by: Stephen Moore in the radio and TV versions, and Alan Rickman in the disastrous 2005 film version (in which he looked like a RoboSapien had mated with a Mighty Mugg, and which contained Willow’s Warwick Davis).
Origin: He’s a Sirius Cybernetics Corporation prototype, featuring GPP (Genuine People Personalities) technology.
Specs: Apparently limitless power, infinite patience and a very depressed CPU.
Status: Offline (according to Life, the Universe and Everything), after a life full of time travel that made him “thirty-seven times older than the Universe itself”. According to the Mostly Harmless radio play, however, Marvin’s warranty restored him to full, if woebegone, functionality.
| "Don't pretend you want to talk to me, I know you hate me." |
| -- Marvin, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (1979) |
It’s a hard life, being ship’s robot on the stolen experimental starship known as the Heart of Gold. With the ship’s improbable-sounding Improbability Drive in action, one never knows what fresh disaster will be visited upon one by the vastly inferior and careless non-artificial non-intelligences who believe they run things, or when they’ll abandon you to your fate on a doomed planet or amid an alien war. Luckily for Marvin, he has his sunny disposition to get him through every sling and arrow of outrageous comic genius flung at him willy-nilly… and by “sunny”, we mean cynical, much put-upon and wearily pessimistic.
Rationale: Marvin is one of those rare creatures whose impact is out of all proportion to his importance; any robot would have sufficed to serve his actual purpose in the narrative, but due to his tragi-comic epigrams (“Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.”), his facility with a guilt trip and his brilliantly conceived distaste of his immortal existence, Marvin rightfully takes his place as one of literature’s greatest nihilists, whose fame goes far beyond his loyal following. Not only has he had several music releases -- Marvin originator Stephen Moore put out two UK novelty singles in the early 80’s, which Stephen Fry covered in 2005 -- but Radiohead named a song after him and a quick search on the IMDb turns up one Marvin P. Android as a producer on something called Prey for the Hunter, a low-budget 1993 rip-off of The Most Dangerous Game. Jeez, no wonder he’s depressed.
4. LIEUTENANT COMMANDER
DATAStar Trek: The Next Generation
Created by: Gene Roddenberry
Played by: Brent Spiner
Origin: Built by brilliant cyberneticist Dr. Noonien Soong
Specs: Remarkably human-like construction out of advanced polymers; possessing immense strength, speed and endurance; containing a positronic brain with an ultimate storage capacity of eight hundred quadrillion bits, with total linear computational speed rated at sixty trillion operations per second. (“The Measure of a Man”, 02.09.) And an inconvenient off-switch.
Status: Offline… perhaps.
| DATA: | If you prick me, do I not… leak? |
| -- “The Naked Now” (01.03) |
Sentient, brilliant and charmingly childlike, the android Data was discovered deactivated on the desert planet Omicron Theta by the crew of the USS Tripoli, and before long became the first artificial lifeform admitted into Starfleet. (Luckily, he was neither a female robot nor one discovered by Captain Kirk, or he’d have ended up with his positronic matrix fried before he could even sit the Academy entrance exam.) When we first meet Data, he mans the Ops station aboard the Enterprise-D, and despite some prejudice against him, he is largely treated as an equal by the crew of the ship that he calls home -- although he never rises above the rank of Lieutenant Commander. (Which means Counselor Deanna Troi outranks him!) Considering the number of times Data’s lighting speed, strength, indestructibility and -- most particularly -- intellect saved the day, ship, galaxy and, indeed, universe, his crew truly would have been lost without him; although, he did manage to get them into trouble a time or two, as well. His continuing quest to get in touch with his nascent humanity led to several romantic relationships as well as the creation of a daughter, Lal… it also caused his installation of an “emotion chip” in the movie Star Trek: Generations, which was perhaps the best thing to be said about that film. The worst thing about Star Trek: Nemesis, meanwhile, was Data’s sacrifice of his potentially limitless life in order to save the Enterprise-E. Fortunately, he had the forethought to download his memory core into a prototype android, B-4, and so it remains possible that Data lives on…
Rationale: No list of this type could be complete without the inclusion of Data… nowhere else in science fiction is an artificial construct accorded such deference, and is created so equal. Admittedly, he and his adherents had to work hard to establish that he was a person and not property, and there were often times when his crewmates would patronize or otherwise disrespect him, but Data was given to us as an unquestionably fine officer who died a hero’s death in service of his adopted star nation, and he continues to be one of Star Trek’s most beloved characters: second only, perhaps, to the robot-like Mr. Spock.
5. MECHAGODZILLA (AKA
Mekagojira)Godzilla franchise
Created by: Shinichi Sekizawa.
Origin: Constructed by the Simians... after that...
Specs: He’s a giant metal dinosaur!
Status: Confusing.
| MUGAL: | Who is Mechagodzilla's strongest enemy? |
| TSUDA: | Godzilla! |
| MUGAL: | Quite right. |
| -- Terror of Mechagodzilla, AKA Mekagojira no gyakushu (1975) |
Originally created by an ape-like alien race, Mechagodzilla is released on Japan in an attempt to take over the world. After Mechagodzilla 1 & 2 get torn to shreds by the king of monsters, the whole series gets redone, and in the new Heisei series, Mechagodzilla is created by the good guys, to defend Japan against the evils of Godzilla (and co.). It is in the third generation, the Millennium series, is where things get creepy and Japan decides to dig up the remains of the original Godzilla, using them as the framework to build Mechagodzilla, this time as a truly sentient robot. This angers (the new) Godzilla, who attacks, but Mechagodzilla, with the help of Mothra (and kids) defeat the big green critter, dumping him out to sea.
Rationale: Phew. He’s the bad guy, he’s the good guy, it’s all a little confusing, but all told -- that’s why we love these Japanese series. Mechagodzilla, (the latest), made from the remains of one of the coolest bad guys of all time, carrying an “absolute zero” cannon in its chest combines some of the most awesome things ever: robots, zombies, dinosaurs, and battling robot-zombie-dinosaurs. Win!
6. KRYTEN 2X4B-523PRed Dwarf
Created by: Grant Naylor (Rob Grant and Doug Naylor).
Played by: David Ross (Series II) and Robert Llewellyn (Series III-VIII).
Origin: A product of DivaDroid International, based on the prank design of one Professor Mamet.
Specs: 6 feet of bad 3D rendering.
Status: Lost in a mirror universe.
| KRYTEN: | Kryten personal black box recording. Time: unknown. Location: unknown. Cause of accident: unknown. Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here. My short-term memory has been erased. This, I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented, disoriented, disoriented. |
| -- “Terrorform” (05.03) |
Picked up by the Red Dwarf crew, Kryten is a Mechanoid robot servant who was found cleaning up after the crew of another space craft that had long since perished in an asteroid collision. Always attentive to his duties, Kryten had continued to iron, cook for and preserve the remains of the crew, until he was found. Now serving Dave Lister, who helped him override his obedience programming, giving him some measure of humanity, Kryten joined the ill-fated ship’s company (after a slight acting change), giving a neurotic, almost C-3PO-esque view... but not enough of one to want to kick him in the motherboard.
Rationale: He’s a robot happy to be a robot (after discovering that being human meant you couldn’t pick up FM radio with your nipples) but still determined to improve himself... mainly by learning to be rude and insult people. The slightly confused sanitation droid is still trying to work out who he is, who he wants to be, and has to deal with the questionable crew of the Red Dwarf, whilst trying to ensure his place in Silicone Heaven. That kind of thing can only bring British comedy gold.
Ahead: Bender, Number 5, Zat...