Look, I don’t hate Superman. He’s okay, I guess. I mean, I liked the Christopher Reeve/Margot Kidder movies as a kid, I loved Lois and Clark as a teenager and I have even been known to enjoy the odd episode of Smallville, ’cause boy those people sure are pretty. But I don’t get what it is about this alien refugee that has made him the most recognizable, admired and iconic superhero of our age. I don’t understand why people get his symbol as a tattoo, or name their kids Kal-El (seriously, Nic Cage?), or spend thousands building their own Fortress of Solitude, all to honor him. Spider-Man, Iron Man, Hawkman, Aquaman, Ant Man, Plastic Man, Bananaman; I could more easily understand any one of those valiant costumed “men” being considered the epitome of everything that is awesome rather than Clark Fricking Kent and his cheesy all-American wholesomeness.

Now, a big part of this may just be that I am a devoted Marvel adherent, and Superman is so very DC that he might as well have those letters sewn onto his costume instead of his signature stylized S. But I like Batman a lot, and he is DC. I adore the Teen Titans, and so are they. I have recently fallen in hopeless love with Martian Manhunter, and he couldn’t be more DC if he were the Capitol Building. So I don’t think this is a Sharks vs. Jets kind of blind loyalty thing. I just think Superman’s kind of a soulless do-gooder who is way less interesting than, say, Lex Luthor. Hell, I’d rather read of the adventures of Jimmy Olsen, boy reporter, than of his mentor and hero. (Especially as played by first season Lois and Clark Jimmy, Michael Landes, who is tremendous and should be in more stuff.)

Maybe it’s because Superman is so very… super. Perfect. And he is therefore utterly insipid, and unforgivably predictable.

When Superman gets into a tussle with anyone not in possession of a very rare piece of intergalactic space debris, the result is a foregone conclusion: he’s gonna win. When Superman gets into a tussle with someone in possession of a very rare piece of intergalactic space debris, the result is a foregone conclusion: he’s still gonna win… it just takes longer. When Superman comes up against a moral dilemma, the result is a foregone conclusion: he’s gonna do the right thing. (Which, more often than not, means the “right wing” thing.¹) When Superman -- or his mild mannered alter-ego Clark Kent -- gets embroiled in any kind of romantic situation with someone other than Lois Lane, the result is a foregone conclusion: they’re gonna break up. (Alternate Universes or the far future

The Kingdom (1999)

not included… the various times he and Wonder Woman have hooked up and had kids, that’s pretty sweet.)

What else do I not find appealing about Superman? Well, there’s his hokey home life with the kindly and hardworking Kents. The use of spectacles as an apparently infallible disguise. His seemingly impenetrable haze of self-righteousness. And while TV Clark Kents have been known to offer up more than the occasional quip (Smallville’s writers have certainly given Tom Welling more grist than his deadpan mill is perhaps equipped to handle), the Man of Steel is, in the main, so very earnest that it appears neither the concept of sarcasm nor self-deprecation has ever been introduced to him. And while comic book Clark may occasionally crack wise, Superman never does. He doesn’t even speak; he declaims.

But y’know my biggest gripe about Superman? He’s just so damn Messianic.

In The Matrix Reloaded (I know, not the most popular of movies to reference, but I really liked this part of it, so bear with me), we learn from that white clad, double-talking Architect dude at the end that the idea of “The One”, that prophesied savior of mankind against the machines -- whom Keanu Reeves’ Neo is believed to be -- is in fact a construct of the machines themselves; if humanity, so their quite admirable logic goes, believes that there is destined to come some great and powerful being who can save them from their enslavement and drudgery, then they’ll be less inclined to go about saving themselves.

That’s what Superman is. He’s “The One”. He’s Krypton ex machina. He’s the civilized and mighty and better-than-us White Knight who solves all our problems with his wondrous Other-ness so that we don’t have to. He patronizes us and gives us benediction and blessing and his very presence is supposed to fill us with comfort and joy. And that kind of thing just makes me cross -- and makes me like Superman not one whit.

When I mentioned this debate to new Geek Speaker and comic fan Jason Murdoch, he said dismissively: "The only time I've had any interest in Superman was during that speech at the end of Kill Bill."

"Yes!" I replied immediately. "Exactly!" The monologue, delivered flawlessly by David Carradine, really sums up a lot of my issues with the Man of Steel:

BILL:

Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he is Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red S is the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race, sort of like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plumpton.

In Superman Returns (again, not the most popular of movies to reference… but I kind of liked this part, so bear with me) the Kate Bosworth version of Lois immediately endeared herself to me with the authorship of a piece entitled “Why the World Doesn’t Need Superman”, penned after the Man of Steel left us high and dry for… I dunno, some reason, I forget. Something about Superman II. Of course, by the end of the movie she’s all in love with him again and so recants -- one hopes the Pulitzer committee withdraws their kudos -- and offers up “Why the World Needs Superman”, essentially Geek VS Geeking with herself (or Formidable Opponenting, Stephen Colbert-style), and as a result I end up hating her and the whole damn mess of a movie. I don’t do well with authority and moral absolutism and totalitarian regimes. And Superman, for all that he is a benevolent dictator, is one nonetheless.

Because he’s wicked strong.

Our K. Burtt, in his review of the animated Justice League series, pointed out how Superman's essential all-powerful, invincible.... him-ness led to more than one problem with that otherwise pretty flawless show. "One issue," said he, "is that with seven main cast members, some episodes feature only three of four of them. It's fine from a character-growth standpoint, but causes problems from a logic standpoint... kind of the 'um... if Superman were around, this would have been taken care of in 30 seconds' type of thing." Also: "… as per usual with anything dealing with Superman... he's rarely if ever allowed to unload to the full extent that he is capable of. His powers seem to be somewhat limited to just-enough-to-move-the-plot-forward, which is always kind of annoying.”

It is more than kind of annoying. It’s insanely so. The fact is, with Superman at full throttle, is there really any need for the Justice League at all? For any of the rest of the DC universe? Let’s face it, he and his extra-terrestrially-blessed, yellow-sun-bestowed powers put pretty much every other superhero in the shade, even in his weakened post-Crisis state. My learned adversary would have it that Marvel, too, has their pinnacle of strength and superpower, The Hulk, but I would contend that his kind of indominability is far more complex, and therefore made far more interesting, than that of his DC counterpart. (Although, to be honest, The Hulk is far from my favorite superhero, either.) Hulk may be largely undefeated, but he spends much of his time facing off against other Marvel superheroes! He, like Frank Castle, is an anti-hero, fighting his inner demons just as much as he fights with his stablemates, and that makes him compelling, even in his own imperviousness. With Superman, who is a hero on our world due to nothing more than cosmic happenstance and and who has had most of his life to deal with this fact (and not have to deal with any guilt or self-loathing as a result of it), his complete superiority over all others isn’t a cause for admiration. And, in fact, according to the kinda-sorta definitive Marvel VS. DC limited-series comic released jointly by both houses in 1996, Superman beat The Hulk very handily in their little encounter. “Hulk smash” is no match for laser eyebeams, super strength and flying, now is it? (Unsurprisingly, the comic fans of both houses agreed.)

So, the “hero”, the “unstoppable brute” that my opponent erroneously claims to be Marvel’s finest cannot, in the final analysis, hold a candle to Superman, technically speaking -- at least, not when his powers are applied with any kind of regard for continuity. Does this not rather illustrate my point? True, Superman’s had his hiccups and brushes with defeat in his various incarnations, and when DC’s two most revered men faced off in Frank Miller’s brilliantly dystopian The Dark Knight Returns limited issue, the Bat- did beat out the Super-, but that was more sneaky wishful thinking than anything else, really. And true, his epic battle with Doomsday killed him in that unwontedly teasing The Death of Superman arc, but he got resurrected! (’Cause Kryptonians can do that, doncha know.) Superman’s such a paragon that his very existence, when applied consistently, makes pretty much everyone else obsolete... even Martian Manhunter! And maybe that’s what I like least about him.

No, wait, also? X-ray vision just creeps me out.

  -- Rachel Hyland

^1. To clarify the “right wing” comment: I don’t have a specific example immediately to hand as to why I feel this way... it’s just a vibe. I feel like Superman is very establishment, very “For God and Country”-ish. Maybe it’s that he’s all about “The American Way”, which to me feels like he’s saying anyone standing against him is Un-American (and therefore unworthy) in that Joe McCarthy/Sarah Palin/Fox News-y way. To me, Superman seems very black and white, us and them, my way or the highway… which I see as very right wing. So basically? It’s the vibe.

Read The Opposing View
Super, Man!
by Mark Ritchie

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