I was at the movies with my friend Sophia -- it was a screening of the latest Harry Potter movie -- and she made me go inside in time to watch the trailers. Now, I hate trailers; they are nothing but the ultimate in spoilers. But, sadly, I appear to be in the minority on this issue; certainly, everyone with whom I have ever attended a movie wants to watch the damn things, and I (much as I believe it should be otherwise) don’t always get my own way in this life. In this particular instance, however, I was quite pleased that Sophia insisted, ‘cause in this instance we were treated to a preview that was a surprise to me in itself.

There’s this floppy-haired kid, see, and he gets onto an elevator in a tall, tall building. Then he presses a button with an Omega symbol, and... “Percy Jackson?” I squealed, in a hushed voice (it turns out those things are not mutually exclusive), turning to Sophia in wild surmise. “Percy Jackson!” she exclaimed right back, in a whisper. (Also, apparently, quite possible.) It was Sophia who had originally introduced me to Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson and the Olympians books, and we could barely contain our excitement upon learning there was to be an actual Percy movie! Considering how excited we already were about the kid-wizard goodness we were there to see (Ron and Hermione were totally gonna hook up!), we were more like a couple of kids hopped up on Redvines and caramel corn and way too much soda than ever. Which may have been acceptable had we not been, y’know, adults.

Then the words “From the director of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” emblazoned themselves across the screen, and my excitement, at least, ebbed somewhat. The director of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? You mean… Chris Columbus? And this is supposed to recommend it to me, preview? You’re kidding, right? That guy directed the abysmal Bicentennial Man. That guy screwed with Asimov! I hate that guy!

Needless to say, I therefore went into a recent screening of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief with, if not low expectations, then certainly low-ish ones. And, oh boy, were they met!

First, the story: Percy Jackson is dyslexic. But, it turns out, no! He’s not dyslexic he’s just the son of Poseidon. And despite the fact that he’s never known about his father or his true demigodly heritage, he is suspected of stealing his Uncle Zeus’s master lightning bolt. Creatures out of legend come to life and try to kill him/claim it, so Percy’s Mom and his satyr Protector, Grover, take him to a Summer Camp for other demigods, Camp Halfblood. Mom is killed by a Minotaur along the way (of course!), Percy makes a new friend and gets some training, and then goes off to retrieve the missing lightning bolt (and, while he’s at it, free his mother from the Underworld) in order to prevent a war among the gods… and possibly the end of the world.

Taken on its own, the movie of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is probably fine enough, a perfectly acceptable way to pass an idle hour or two. But for any fan of the books--or even someone on merely nodding acquaintance with them--it is just plain wrong. Oh, let us count the ways.

1. First, why are the kids so old? Percy’s supposed to be 12!

2. Second, how come no claiming scene? The bit where Poseidon claims Percy as his own is conspicuous by its absence, and since that’s one of the best moments in the whole book series, its absence is felt keenly.

3. And Percy received way too little training at Camp Halfblood before going off on his quest--THE SAME DAY!--and suddenly seeming to have complete control over his water powers. What, has Columbus never heard of a training montage? (But, but… everybody needs a montage!)

4. And when he went off on said quest, he slipped away in the night with new friend Annabeth (who is way too bitchy, and not nearly smart enough) and Grover (who is way too playa, and not nearly earnest enough) for company, instead of their mission being officially sanctioned by the Oracle of Delphi; or, as she is now, the Oracle of the Camp Attic; or, as she is now, the Oracle Not Appearing in this Film.

5. And what a crap quest he went on! Going to find the pearls? He’s supposed to get them from Poseidon!

6. And how come the campers sleep in tents, not cool, god-specific cabins?

7. And since when can’t the gods see their kids?

8. No Iris? No rainbow messages?

9. And, hey! Where was Dionysus?

10. Where was Ares?

11. Where the hell was Clarisse?

12. Kronos?

13. Don’t even get me started on Luke.

14. Or the shield Luke gave Percy.

15. And what about—

Okay. I’m trying to breathe. Searching for calm. Right, found it! Back to the movie…

Um. The movie. Well…

Since everything else about it is so wrong, let’s talk the cast. The cast is full of bona fide stars, most of whom are very faithful to the book (so, there’s that, at least). Pierce Brosnan is suitably crusty as centaur hero-trainer Chiron; the ever-watchable Catherine Keener is perfectly serviceable as Percy’s martyred mother, Sally (though I do question her hair choices); and Joe Pantolino gives an appropriately disgusting performance as her husband, Gabe. Kevin McKidd plays Poseidon with brooding intensity (Salve, Lucius from Rome!), and Dylan Neal (Pacey’s gay brother, Vicki Nelson’s human lover) plays Hermes in a brief flash of cheekbones and great hair. Sean Bean (Boromir!) is criminally-underused as Zeus--likewise Melina Kanakaredes as Athena. (Wow, what’s this? A person of actual Greek descent playing a Greek god? And sure, Athena didn’t actually appear in this book at all, but if you’re gonna break the rules anyway, why not make it count?)

Among the more unfaithful renditions, we have Steve Coogan, a brilliant comic, who gives Hades a singularly desperate air, creating a kind of laughable wannabe out of the King of the Underworld with relish, in a role that Gary Oldman was surely born to play. Rosario Dawson is enchanting as Hades’s reluctant queen, the lascivious Persephone, though she is not at all like her book-self, either. (Sweet innocent Persephone would never have seduced Grover, for a start!) Still, both are very good, very entertaining, and their scenes actually make up for a lot of the movie’s other transgressions.

Like that of Uma Thurman. As Medusa, Thurman apparently just decided to resurrect Poison Ivy from Batman and Robin instead of creating a new persona for the role… as if anything needed to be resurrected from that film! Thurman is ever a mercurial actress of fluctuating ability (from Jennifer 8 to The Truth About Cats and Dogs; from Gattaca to The Avengers; from Kill Bill to My Super Ex-Girlfriend), and her turn in this film is among her very worst.

But this movie, for all its galaxy of stars, is really all about the lesser known youngsters. Logan Lerman as Percy is pretty cute, and does bewildered and bedeviled pretty well; startling blue eyes gleam out of the lovely face of Alexandria Daddario as Annabeth, who is not unconvincing as a warrior chick; and Brandon T. Jackson, as Grover, is… well, about that. Not only is he kind of American Pie horny-teenager, but he looks old enough to buy beer!

And I’m back to rant mode again. But this really, really bugged me about the movie, and it bugs me still. Now, perhaps a 12-year-old magic-infused orphan was just a little bit too been-there-done-that for Columbus, or perhaps he just wanted to have them able to drive around the country instead of taking buses everywhere--or maybe 12-year-olds and swords seemed like an uninsurable combination--but whatever the reason, having the characters be 17 or so makes this movie way too Gossip Girl. It’s all Percy and Annabeth making eyes at each other, and while that absolutely develops in later books, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is neither the time nor the place.

This is the time and the place for Percy to discover who he is. For him to find out that he’s not the misfit loser he has long thought himself; that his ADHD is actually down to his battlefield reflexes, that his learning difficulties are down to his Hellenic brain, that his fondness for water is down to his… well, Dad being god of the sea. And Percy learns these things in the movie, too, but in such an offhanded manner, they’re almost beside the point. It’s like: Oh, hey, by the way, your Dad’s a mythological being and you can control water. But more importantly, how hot is that daughter of Athena, huh?

Riordan’s book series is a nice twist on some of the worlds’ oldest tales, a modern day romp through ancient lore, a chance to re-examine some old, old religion to find some brand new truths. Columbus’s movie is not a twist on anything. It is a disappointing adaptation of a really good book, which is exactly what we might have expected.

And in case you’re wondering… Sophia thinks so, too.

  -- Rachel Hyland

FURTHER READING

Geek Speak's Percy Jackson and the Olympians review by Rachel Hyland