It is not in my nature to leave a story incomplete. I never walk out of movies (even when that movie is Aeon Flux), or stop buying comic books (even when that comic book is Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane). I watched Star Trek: Voyager to the very end, and even managed to somehow stomach Enterprise. Hell, I'm still reading Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter novels, and those things are basically just porn, now.

But I'm afraid I just cannot stick it out, this time. This time, one particularly beloved franchise has gone too darned far. Oh, I'll still buy its tie-in novels, and listen to its audio dramas, and re-watch the adored original series over and over (and over and over), and its first spin-off series... well, at least over once. But I will not – will not! – subject myself to another episode of the thrice-damned, ill-conceived lunacy that is Stargate Universe.

I just can't do it. I am ashamed of myself, but there it is. I just... hate it.

Even Stargate Infinity was better.

Stargate SG-1 is one of the finest science fiction series of all time. It is complex, thought-provoking, humorous, and innovative. It is big on the whole “humans are awesome” motif that is prevalent in a lot of sci-fi—which I shouldn't like so much, but I can't help the way it sings to my soul—yet it also asks the big questions, and insists that you care about the answers; makes you laugh and think and feel, and fall completely in love with its main characters. Plus, that Michael Shanks (Dr. Daniel Jackson) is adorable.

Stargate Atlantis, meanwhile... well, it's a lot like SG-1, except set in a different galaxy, and spends less time on tree-and-rock-filled alien worlds. While definitely second in my estimation to the original, it still has a core of genius to it that makes it compelling viewing. There are bad guys to overcome, relationships to fret about, matters of morality, expediency, politics, and self-sacrifice to ponder. Plus, that Joe Flanigan (Col. John Sheppard) is adorable.

And at first, I have to say, I kind of loved Stargate Universe, too. How different it was! It was complex and dark, disconcerting yet entertaining, with strong performances and unconventional story-telling. It was a new twist to the Stargate mythology, all these people stuck on the Ancient ship Destiny, out on their own, not knowing whither they were going or how they were going to get home. Yes, it was vaguely reminiscent of some other popular sci-fi shows (Voyager, Battlestar Galactica and Farscape, to name a few), but if it owed a debt to any of them, it paid it by astoundingly owing no debt to its direct progenitor. Plus, that Brian J. Smith (Lt. Scott) is adorable.

For the first four episodes, I actually kind of loved it. For the next couple, I... didn't mind it. After that, I remained, at least, willing to give it a chance. And now... well, now, I'm afraid I really do hate Stargate Universe.

Here's why:

1. The Affair of a Commanding Officer with a Younger, Hot Blonde Subordinate

I will not deny that I am among the legion of viewers who have always wished that SG-1's Jack O'Neill (Richard Dean Anderson) and Samantha Carter (Amanda Tapping) would someday get together. Of course, I know it's against the Air Force regulations to which they are subject, and I know the creators of the show have said they'll never let us see it happen (which is why the gods invented fan fiction, I suppose), but hope does indeed spring eternal. I just really, really want those two to get their happily ever after. (When you've saved the world a dozen times, surely you deserve it?)

However, when watching Stargate Universe, it feels like... well, it feels like I am being chastised for ever wanting that at all. See, in this new Stargate world, the horribly misshapen--and horribly married--Colonel Everett Young (Louis Ferreira) has clearly had some illicit... er... debriefings with the lovely young Lieutenant Tamara Johansen (Alaina Huffman) in the past. She had even resigned from her position under his command in order to escape the sleaziness of it all, before being forced to accompany her erstwhile paramour into inadvertent exile aboard the Destiny.

I want to be clear that I have no objection to their rule-breaking affair itself. What I object to is the fact that, by making it all so tawdry and cheap – not to mention debilitating for the both of them – the creators seem to be implying that such a relationship between O'Neill and Carter (he, an older Colonel, she a young, blonde officer under his command) would have been so, as well.

Watching Young and TJ in post-post-coital action, full of regret and remorse and ridiculousness, I feel like I'm being admonished for the wishful shippy thinking that was a big draw card for me throughout the ten years of SG-1. (And this from the people who gave Atlantis' Dr. Rodney McKay [David Hewlett] a gorgeous girlfriend in the person of Dr. Jennifer Keller [Jewel Staite], who actually chose him over the manly form of Ronon [Jason Momoa]. Talk about your wish-fulfillment fantasies! What's that? A room full of science fiction writers makes the girl choose the science nerd with the personality disorder and citrus allergy over the tall, muscled jock with the kung fu moves and the really big... weapon? Astounding!)

But, hey, speaking of Jack and Sam...

2. Wasted Cameo Appearances

While the Daniel Jackson Introduction to the Stargate collection was a pretty nifty touch, cameo-wise, in the SGU series premiere, the misuse of Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill in that same premiere was nothing short of criminal.

Leaving aside the asinine dialogue of the previously sharp-as-a-tack O'Neill (of which, more anon), let's focus on the fact that they were both in the same scene, and yet there was not even an inkling that their relationship might finally be something more than professional. At least in Season 4 of Stargate Atlantis, when Carter took over the base as commander, they threw the shippy viewer a bone with the presence of a framed picture of SG-1-era Jack O'Neill among her possessions. In SGU, nothing.

But, hey, speaking of Jack...

3. What in the Hell has Happened to Jack O'Neill?

Now, I'm not talking, here, about the pasty skin and doughy form of Richard Dean Anderson. The man's in his sixties, and the late-middle-age spread and pallor in his cheeks are perfectly consistent with a desk-bound Air Force General who has always had a particular fondness for pie, cake and Froot Loops. (And who has, no doubt, been “eating his feelings,” pining away for his beloved--apparently unattainable--Carter.) Sure, his cracked voice has him sounding more like he should be shooing kids off his lawn than commanding Earth's first line of defense, but that's okay, too. Richard Dean Anderson, well-matured or not, is ever a joy to behold, and certainly isn't the problem I now have with General Jack O'Neill.

It is the quality of the lines he was given. Or, more particularly, the lack thereof.

When, in the first episode, “Air, Part 1,” Colonel Young shows a modicum of humility and questions his own ability to lead such a disparate team of castaways out in the wide black somewhere, Jack objects that he, too, was ill-equipped for his first mission through the Stargate. “I think the bottom line is, none of us are qualified,” he croaks. What?

When, in the episode “Earth,” Young objects to a risky, baby boffin-sponsored plan to get his crew home, and wants to discuss it first with said crew, Jack tells him – despite his years of managing SG-1 and the SGC as a kind of collaborative effort: “You're in command of that ship. It's not a democracy.” Huh?

And then Jack goes and replaces Young as commander of the Destiny, via remote-controlled avatar, despite its inevitable effect on morale, and is later somehow astounded when the young scientists' plan to get everyone home doesn't work. (Did he even discuss its viability with Carter?)

I have never been so mad at Jack O'Neill. Not even when he made it with that Laira woman on Edora.

Okay, sure, maybe it wasn't all his decision to completely override the operational authority of the man in the field. But the Jack O'Neill we used to know would have made it his decision. And when later in that same episode, Young (in his meat suit), stands in front of a room full of Air Force-types and basically tells O'Neill to shove it in the snippiest fashion, and O'Neill merely grimaces as the recalcitrant Destiny commander stalks away, all I could think was: “No way would Jack take that! But he totally deserves it!” It's like they want us to despise O'Neill now, to like Young more than we like him, to move on from the old Colonel we loved so much, and suddenly take up with the new. (Perhaps that's why they called him “Young”? To emphasize that O'Neill is kinda “old”?) It really is the lamest attempt ever at passing the torch.

Plus, look at who it's being passed to! I mean, really, who are these people Jack has working for him, nowadays? As head of Homeworld Security, he has jurisdiction over all SGC-related personnel. Sure, the pesky International Oversight Advisory probably weighs in more often than not, but it's gotta be pretty much Jack's show. And, for some completely incomprehensible reason, he has elected to put his trust in some really unworthy candidates. Young was even, by his own admission, Jack's first choice to lead the expedition that eventually led to Destiny! (Wow. Good call, there, General. Really.)

But, hey, speaking of those unworthy candidates...